Delicious and Delectable Dahl!

Yummmmmmmmo!  I've just discovered the wonderful Indian dish Dahl.  It's hard to come up with something that is wrong with this dish.  It's cheap to make, it's filling, it's satisfying, it's flavourful, it's hearty.....what more could you ask for in a dish. 

 

IT IS ONLY 200CALORIES PER SERVE!

 

Yes, you read right, I'm not kidding!  And if you put on a lovely dollop of Black Swan Fat Free Greek Youghurt, it still comes in under 300 calories.  Anyone with extra calories could easily add a piece of mountain bread to eat with it. 

 

I wish that I could say, I'd come up with this recipe myself, but no.  I wouldn't have gone near anything like this, because I've always been a bit scared of lentils.  In a moment of boldness - boosted by the inspiration of watching Janella Purcell make it on Good Chef, Bad Chef, I gave it a go.  There's no turning back now - I'm a lentil lover!  Full of protein and fibre - a fantastic meatless Monday dish.  Plenty of spices, which are wonderful for stimulating the digestive system and promoting weight loss.

 

Do you feel like cooking yet?  Alright - here's the recipe:

 

DAHL

1tsp olive oil

1 onion, finely diced

2 garlic cloves, crushed

1tbsp coriander stems, finely chopped (I included these in my recipe, but don't think you  would notice if they were left out)

2 tsp grated ginger

1/2 cup celery, diced

1 zucchini, diced

1 tbsp each of ground cumin, turmeric and garam masala

1 carrot, diced

1 cup pumpkin, diced

1 cup whole lentils (or split lentils or mung dahl) cooked

500ml vegetable stock

1 kaffir lime leaf (I didn't have this)

sea salt to taste

lemon, quartered, to serve

 

In a large pot, saute the onions in the oil until soft and translucent.  Next add the garlic, ginger, carrot and celery and cook gently for a minute.  If using whole lentils, blend until slightly mushy.  Add the spices and stir together.  Now add the pumpkin.  The spices may start to stick to the pot, this is good.  You may need a little water to prevent them burning however.  Now mis the lentils throught the spices then fill the pot with the stock and the lime leaf.  Bring to the boil.  Reduce to a simmer and let it cook for about 20-30 min or until the lentils are soft.  Finally season with the salt if needed.  Garnish with coriander leaves and lemon wedges.  Enjoy!

 



A Body's Story

Can you remember how old you were the first time you can remember thinking something negative about your body?  The first time you felt let down by your body.  I was seven, in gymnastics class.  The coaches were picking girls to represent our club at a regional competition.  Everyone wanted to be a part of that, because then you got to wear a beautiful shiny royal blue leotard with a gold strip around the neckline.  Even at that age, I could sense the extra currency you had in gymnastics class if you were one of the girls wearing one of those leotards.  The coach had to choose between myself and one other girl.  I'm guessing you can figure out how things panned out.  She was picked.  I wasn't.  The message I took from this - I'm not good enough.  My body doesn't work well enough, I'm not as tall and slender as she is.  I wasn't even fat!  I was seven!  I was just a regular kid.

I'm not sure exactly when food became connected in this war which had begun with my body.  I do remember hiding tins of condensed milk from Mum's pantry under my bed and eating them in high school.  The shame was well and truly entrenched by then.  I still wasn't overweight - but the messages that had been reinforced repeatedly were that my body isn't good enough.

What happens, when you no longer have a little girls body, but that of one that belongs to a woman?  Total confusion.  Suddenly the sexual side of your nature is swithched on (I'm talking about in a completely normal developmental way), you begin to notice boys, boys begin to notice you - just the way its meant to be, right?  No, what actually happens is that your parents go into panic mode - because now you could get pregnant.  You know this panic is connected with your changing body.  As for the boys that notice you - its comments about the size of your boobs, whether or not you're on your 'rags' yet and how far are you willing to go with a boy.  For me, all of these conflicting messages resulted in me thinking the changes happening weren't good or to be celebrated or welcomed - they made people freak out; and that still, my body wasn't good enough. 

This story is nothing particularly dramatic.  But a book called 'A Course in Weight Loss - 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering your Weight Forever' by Marianne Williamson has got me taking a really close look at my history with my body.  Although I've lost most of the weight I'd like to - my struggle with my weight isn't over.  Anyone who thinks everything will be sorted once they see a magic number on a scale is dreaming!  In some ways the hard work is just beginning - the work in my head.  Its this that keeps me coming back for another round and another round.  I know if I don't get my head sorted, more than likely, I'll regain all the weight I lost.  I've worked too hard to lose it, I don't want to have to start over again.

I guess my reasons for sharing this are to show that the journey to self loathing often starts early.  The pathways for those messages in your brain are deep.  It makes sense then that the journey out of a relationship of rejection for your body and into a relationship of self-love, self-care and respect for your body, is going to be a hard one.  It is going to take conscious effort and diligence to make new pathways.  I have learnt so much about nourishing my physical self through this 12wbt journey with exercise and good food.  The journey continues as I learn to nourish my mind also.

Numbers - naughty or nice?

Don't stress, I'm not about to embark on a maths refresher course (yes, you can wipe the nervous beads of sweat from your brow!).  I'm talking weight loss numbers.  Let me set the scene a little.  For seven consecutive days, I have busted my butt in every training session.  I've given all I had to give, every time.  I've tracked every single morsel of food that passed my lips, and kept to my allotted calorie count for the entire week - not one calorie over.  I'm feeling so pleased with my efforts, and as I go to sleep on Tuesday night, I know that when I hop on the scales on Wednesday morning, I'm going to see at least a 1 kilo loss for the week.  Right?

Being as smart a cookie as you are, you can probably see where I might be about to go with this, so I'll get right to it.  I'm naked, I've weed, I'm standing expectantly on my scales and the number that pops up..........drum roll please, is a GAIN!  What?!  Heres where it gets hairy.  Have you been here before? Do you visit this place daily (I confess - I have had a habit of jumping on the scales every day)?  What thoughts are instantly in your head when you see that gain?  Just pause here for a moment.  Is it - 'OK, well that's not quite what I was hoping for, but I know, that I've been consistent each and every day and made choices with my exercise and my nutrition that support my health and fitness goals, and although the scales aren't registering those choices today - I know I'm making changes to my insides every day, that improve my life for the long term.  And besides - I feel like a damn hot rock star for all the hard work I've put in, and I know the scales will catch up."  Or perhaps the converstation in your head is a little more like this, 'What the hell?  I've busted my butt, I've eaten all that healthy food and its all been for nothing!  This is ridiculous, I'm never going to succeed at this, I knew I wouldn't be able to lose this weight, why did I let myself think that I could?'  How far is it from that sort of thinking to a bag of chips or a block of chocolate?  Probably not too far.

Why is it that all the hard work we've put in, suddenly means nothing because of a number?  That work wasn't wasted, its freaking awesome that we worked hard, pushed our bodies, nourished them well.  The number is just that - a number.  We sure give them a lot of power sometimes.  Now, the maths is - it takes a 7000calorie deficit, per week to lose 1 kilo of body weight.  Sure, that is the maths.  But last time I checked - my body is not a calculator, and for all sorts of reasons - you might put all the right things into the equation, but not get the answer you were looking for.  Its that time of the month; you've been training with weights for a while now, and you've built some lean muscle(which weighs heavier than fat); you ate something really salty yesterday, and you're holding onto a bit more water than usual.  See what I mean?  All kinds of things can effect what we see on the scales.  If only we could peer inside ourselves, and see the changes we'd made on the insides that week - our hearts that pump blood more effectively because of all that cardio we're doing; our organs that work more freely now because they aren't covered in a layer of fat; the muscle fibres that are growing little by little every day that increase our metabolic rate because it takes more energy to feed muscle than it does fat. 

If you hop on your scales, tomorrow, anytime - and you've rocked your week - feel like the rockstar that you are - the number is just a number.  You're a superstar for making choices that care, nourish and support you - the scales will catch up.

Go-go Gadget Goals!

Aaargh - goal setting!  This task always has me stumbling.  What do I want to achieve?  Where do I want to be in 3 months time?  The scariest part of all.......looking at my last blog post about goal setting - and realising how many goals I didn't reach.   I guess thats a big red flag right there isn't it.  Why didn't I reach all my goals, what got in the way, what excuses did I use, what can I change to get a better result this time?

I will just take a little moment to recognise the ones I did meet - thats important too, right?
Bingeing on Wednesdays after weigh in - kicked that to the curb!
Ran my first Fun Run - what a buzz!

Did I finish my course - nope.  Did I reach goal weight - nope.  Did I get to wear that backless top - nope. 

Why not?  What stopped me?  A few things, that I'd really rather not admit immediately come to mind.
1 - I didn't keep my goals front and centre in my mind.  I wrote them out, and pretty much never looked at them again.
2 - I didn't have enough strategies in place to ensure my success - I didn't make time in my diary to study - no surprises that it never happened!
3 - I wasn't consistent, and persistent enough to see my plans through to the end.  I lost sight of what I'm really after, and let one bad food choice turn into two, and then four and then - well, here I am back for another round!

Round 2, 2013 - Goals
One Month:
Lose 8kg - weight @ week 4 - 64.6kg
Eat cleanly
Write a blog entry once/week
Finish 2 Interior Design Modules
Three Months:
Weigh 60kg (or less)
Be completed Interior Design Course
Start Personal Training Course
Waist measurement of 80cm or less

I'm onto it.  My committment is sticking up in my kitchen.  I'm printing my goals out and sticking them up too.  I've been afraid to do that before.  Afraid that I'll be judged.  Afraid that I'll fail. 
Suddenly the difficulties I have with this task are becoming very clear! My old 'friends judgement and failure'!

I say - bugger it.  This is my life, my choices, I can't control what other people think, and I'm not going to waste anymore time worrying about it.  I've got goals to go after!

Excuses, excuses, excuses!

For a teensy moment, I catch myself thinking, 'I don't have any excuses'.  What?  Why am I signed up for another round of 12wbt then?  Hello - regaining 8kg's doesn't happen without some excuses being involved, now does it?

Internal Excuses - here goes:
*I've got too much on my plate, I can't give the attention to myself that I need to to be successful. Response:  Remind myself that I can handle what's on my plate better if I take care of myself.

*I'm never going to be able to get to my goal weight.
Response:  By following the program and being consistent, I will reach my goals.

*I'm eating to cope, because that's how I've always coped, you can't expect me to just change it overnight!
Response:  I can cope in new ways.  I can exercise or read or take a walk or clean something.  Sure it might be hard to make new pathways and habits, but it can be done, and everytime I do it, the road to better coping gets clearer.

*I'm too tired
Response:  Yep, you are tired, but you never regret a workout - you always feel better afterwards.

*It's only one little bit, it won't matter
Response:  All the 'little bits' add up, and count, remind yourself what you really want - the 'little bit', or rocking those size 10 jeans with a backless top?

*I'm bored of these exercises, my body isn't responding anymore
Response:  Change it up for a bit - get some new dvd's, find some workouts on the internet, do things in a different order, or different location.  Try something new and challenging

External Excuses within my control

I really feel like I might have these ones pegged.  Dare I write that?  I really, truly feel that I have overcome any of these that I had.  I would have once said : It's too hot; the kids won't let me; I haven't got time.  I don't use these anymore - I've proven to myself, that they just don't cut it.  If one did sneak in, I know I can exercise inside if the weather is poor; I can involve the kids in something active if I can't get uninterrupted time to train; I have got time - I can make the time if I make the training a priority.

External Excuses outside my control

*Husband is too ill and I can't leave the house.
Response:  Exercise at home - do a dvd, wait until husband and kids have gone to bed, then train

I know so well that the battle is won and lost inside my head.  I plan on listening to my body.  Our bodies are meant to move, meant to be active, meant to huff and puff and feel physically tired, and stiff from am honest days work.  My body likes to move, my body love the feeling of having finished an awesome workout, my body nudges me to workout if I miss a day - I will listen to my body, and give it a daily gift of movement.  As for the chatter in my mind......can I get ear plugs for that?!

What you put your attention on grows stronger

I can see lightbulbs flashing and hear bells ringing!

"What you put your attention on grows stronger in your life".  This might be something that you all know about already - but it is a major newsflash for me, as Oprah says, an AhHa moment.  I love to read, and am currently reading a book called The Passion Test- The Effortless Path to Discovering your Life Purpose by Janet Bray Attwood and Chris Attwood.

Now this line really got to me, let me share a little more.  "Develop the habit of giving attention to everything that supports your intention and being indifferent to those that are not."  I reckon this has real applications for losing weight and getting healthy.  So, my intention for this round of 12WBT is to finally get to my goal weight of 60kg (I get real close, and then put a few kgs back on) and to continue building muscle, so that I am leaner.  Hmmm, so every time I'm engaging with that negative dialogue that we all have "If I just have one piece, it won't hurt", or "Well, I've already messed up today, so I may as well eat whatever I want"  I'm giving my attention to what I don't want - gaining weight, all or nothing eating, letting food control me.  Oh.  The more time I spend giving my attention to my goals, surrounding myself with like-minded people that support me, eating healthful food that is delicious, challenging myself in my training sessions, looking at pictures of strong women with lean, athletic physiques, the better - the stronger my intention grows.  I like this!

Now of course, life is not one straight, flat road - bummer! What to do then with the mountains and sharp bends that come our way?  "Put your attention on all the good in your life, deal with situations that must be dealt with, and don't dwell on anything that doesn't support what you choose to create."

"Unfortunately, most people focus their attention on all the reasons their dreams won't come true.  Why?  Because they're afraid they won't get what they want.  When you are consumed by fear, when your attention is on the things that are going wrong in your life, you create inactivity and boredom, or even worse, you create the things you fear will happen to you."  I don't know about you - but I've sure been down that path a time or two!  For instance, I've recently gained 4kg.  I'm scared that I'll never reach my ultimate goal, and that I will have to be fighting with my body for the rest of my life, in order to maintain the weight I have lost.  So there is a lot of negative dialogue going on in my head - and as is shown by the 4kg weight gain - some accompanying behaviours - you know I'm talking about you Red Tulip Easter Bunny! to match it.

Now, I'm just wondering where they sell those blinkers that they put on horses, so they can't look anywhere except for where they're going!

PS - You can take a  free little quiz at the link below, about the Passion Test.   When I read the feedback for mine - it was like they were sitting watching me in my life, quite spot on.  Happy passion discovering.

Wheels ON Wednesday!

I don't know about anyone else, but Wednesday, after weigh-in is a big fat Red Flag for me.  Not because I have meetings or lunches or parties or anything else exciting to attend, but because something goes on in this little head of mine that says ok, you've trained hard, you've eaten clean, now you can eat whatever you want.  What?!

Today, after my quite mind altering declaration and letter of a couple of days ago, I'm especially determined that this is one battle that I, and not food will win.  On a side note......just referring back to my previous post, writing that letter to food (I know, its ok if you are questioning my sanity right now!), I have found some aggression - and I'll be damned if I'm going to let food get in the way of my dreams and goals anymore.  I might have to spend 98% of the day reminding myself that I am calling the shots now, but thats ok.  So if you see me muttering to myself, you know whats going on :)

Anyway - back to Wheels on Wednesday.  I thought it best to employ some strategies to ensure my success.  I need to bake today for my kids school lunches, and although I bake healthy stuff for them, licking the spoon, tasting just one, the calories add up.  So, I'll be chewing the mintiest gum I can find, while I'm baking, and as soon as they're done, I'm wrapping them ready for lunch-boxes and popping them in the freezer.  I've got a full and busy day planned:  washing, ironing, vacuuming, study, cleaning - and that's to keep me and my mind occupied, to reduce the chances of that conversation starting in my head, you know the one, it goes something like this, 'One little chocolate will be ok, I've trained, I've eaten well the rest of the day'.  Oh no we don't - not this time!  I'm also going to be re-reading my goals and visualising myself in the super toned bod that I'm working on.  As well - I've got a picture, of a fitness model - whose physique I admire, that I'm going to spend some time admiring......I want my thoughts and actions firmly supporting me and my goals today (and everyday!)

Finally - I'm going to have a little treat with a cup of tea tonight, because I've had a successful Wheels On Wednesday, in the form of a healthier than your usual chocolate chip cookie.  I found this recipe in and issue of Shape magazine last year - the recipe makes 60 (so, yep, I'll take out my two biccies, and into the freezer with the rest)  I'll share the recipe below:

Chocolate Chip Cookies - 108 calories for 2 biscuits (Recipe makes 60)

3/4 cup rolled oats
1 1/4 cup plain flour (I'll be making some of this wholemeal)
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup extra light olive oil (I'll be using Rice Bran Oil, 'cos that's what I've got)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temp
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
1 large egg
1 large egg white
1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup mini semisweet choc chips (I can't find these, so I'll be chopping up 70% cocoa chocolate)

Preheat oven to 180 deg C.  Spread oats on a baking sheet, toast for 10 min.  Remove and turn off oven (due to time constraints, I will probably skip this step).

Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, mix flour, baking soda and salt.  Set aside.  In a large bowl, beat together oil, butter and sugars with an electric mixer.  Add egg, egg white and vanilla beating until well combined.  Fold in oats, flour mixture and chocolate chips.  Cover and refrigerate dough for one hour (probably won't do this either - my biccies will just spread out more as they cook because my dough is softer).

Preheat oven to 180 deg C.  Place rounded teaspoonfuls of dough 4cms apart onto two baking sheets lined with baking paper.  Bake for 10-12 minutes or until cookies are set and golden brown.  Cool for fine minutes on sheets; transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.

And look - a very bad, doesn't do the smell or taste justice - picture of my baking!




My baking notes:

I used 3/4 cup plain white flour and 1/2 cup wholemeal flour
I only chopped up half a cup of chocolate
and I reduced the sugar to 1/4 cup - kept the brown sugar @ 1/2 though.
I did end up toasting the oats, and just prepared the rest of the dough, and let it sit in the fridge for the time it took the oven to warm up and the oats to toast - saves heating the oven twice. 
Also, I reckon the oats only need 7-8 minutes until they are toasty.  Having done this - I'm not sure it alters the taste so dramatically that I would do it next time :)
One last thing........Use flat teaspoonfuls of mixture that are on the smaller side.  Doing this, I got 55 cookies - I don't know how you could possibly get 60, as the recipe states, using rounded teaspoonfuls.

If you give these a go, I hope you enjoy.

Dear Junk Food......You're just not meeting my needs anymore

Dear Junk Food,

I need to have a real serious conversation with you.  I'm going to get straight to the point.......you're just not meeting my needs anymore.

For a long time - too long, we were pretty close.  I know the relationship was working well for you - You took my money, you had me craving you, you made me feel sick, you even had me believing that I couldn't get by without you.  You were in total control of our relationship.  Now, everybody knows that if one person in a relationship holds all the power.....that is an unhealthy relationship.  Its taken me a while to realise how much control you've had over me.  But, as you know, these past couple of years have been rocky for us.  I've been fighting back, demanding more from you.  And you know what - you haven't delivered.  I've got my sights set on bigger things these days.  A lean, toned body, instead of a soft squishy one.  Good health and vitality, instead of aching joints and heartburn and lethargy.  And I'm sorry, but you just don't cut it anymore!  Healthy, life-giving food is what fits the bill nowadays. 

And do you know what else?  I don't actually need you.  I can live without you.  And I'm freaking tired of you being in control!  So enoughs, enough.  I'm taking charge.  I want more than you can give.  I deserve more than you can give.  Now, I know that you are very conniving and manipulative, and this probably won't be the last I see of you, but, although you may win a fight from time to time, I am going to win the war!

When we see each other - I will nod politely in your direction, but I won't be inviting you home anymore.  You can watch in awe at the things I am going to do, now that I am free of you.

Sincerely,

Carissa

All the little things........

I guess I'm not the only one who is absolutely flabbergastered (hehehe - what a fun word to use!) that the end of 2012 is just around the corner.  Does anyone else feel that life seems to have 'seasons'?  Some season's are full of happiness and joy; some are more sorrowful; some are exausting......
For me - 2012 has been quite a year, a season of struggle.  Much of the year has felt like I'm trying to walk uphill in soft sand - its been bloody hard work!  I'm not just talking about weight-loss here - although at times that has been hard work too, but everything.  Because this year has been so challenging, there have been many times when I have felt absolutely overwhelmed, powerless, and like I can't keep on fighting.  It's so hard to see what's working when the things that aren't working quite right are yelling so loudly!

I know we all have these times in our life, and because, for me remembering the good, the beauty, the joy that still exists in my life - takes conscious effort at the moment - I thought I would use this post to list those things that keep making it worth getting out of bed each day.

- My six children
- My country and my town where I can live safely and peacefully
- My health
- My bed, with clean sheets on it
- Family
- Family get-together's with piles of kids running around and piles of laughs
- My work colleagues, who are more like dear friends
- Roses
- Sweet Peas
- My growing muscles
- That even though we are at the bottom of a financial canyon - my children have always been fed, and not gone to bed hungry
- That I still have hope that things can be different; that I want to be in the position where I can do random acts of kindness for others like they have for me
- The breeze off our lake
- Small country towns like ours
- That I am realising that I am much stronger than I ever knew
- That my 16 year old has grown and matured so much since the events earlier in the year that led him to leave home
- That my children are well cared for and taught in their schools
- That I've been able to work outside the home for the first time in 16 years
- The generosity of whoever has given me a subscription to Oxygen magazine
- Pantry Club - even though I am still working through the shame I feel in needing to access a service like this - I am so thankful, they are there
- Running the City to Bay for the first time
- New friends made this year
- Old friends who love me with all their hearts and have helped me time and again to hold my heart together
- The pride I feel in my new body
- The inspiration I feel for what is still possible in my body and with my fitness and strength
- My daughter's rabbit - personality plus!
- The uninhibited giggling, dancing and singing of my youngest children - so refreshing
- The untapped potential each of my children hold inside
- The written word of others - life-changing
- Mish and the whole 12wbt team
- A hot cup of tea in my favourite cup
-The way I feel when I look at interior design magazines
- The satisfaction that comes after smashing out an awesome workout
- When my heart-rate monitor watch sings me a little song and gives me a little trophy when I've met its training targets
-Heck, I'm even glad for the struggle, because even though it hurts, and the tears aren't over yet - I know it makes me grow, and become a better, stronger, more resilient me

I hope that your year has left with you - not just memories of the struggles but full of memories of the things that have made you smile, made you cry with joy, taken your breath away and made you glad you're alive.  Love to you all xxoo

Daring to dream....

 

I've spent so many years of my life pushing aside any thoughts I may have had of a better life; a happier life; a more prosperous life; a more successful life.  Would I ever tell anyone about my innermost, most cherished desires?  Hell no!  Because, I didn't believe I deserved more than what I had.  People like me can't want things.....because they will only be disappointed, or chastised for being ungrateful.  I've started to realise all that, was a lie. 

I dreamt of being thinner - but never thought it would happen - but with 12wbt and the support of friends and family and a lot of damned hard work, I made it happen.  The realisation of that dream, has given rise to new dreams.  Being fitter, being a runner, having muscle definition.  I love that, the success of something gives you the courage to dare to want for more.  And the motivation to do what it takes to get there.  I am a runner.  I can run a half marathon.  I am gaining some muscle.

So where to now?  Wherever the heck I want, I reckon!  Why not?!  Why not dream big and high and far and wide?  What's the worse that can happen, if I don't realise all my dreams?  I'll have had the adventure of trying.  I'll have had the opportunity to grow from my failures and be stronger for next time.  I'll be more of myself.

I dream to run the City to Bay in under 1 hour
I dream to run be the fastest 38 year old female running the City to Bay in 2013
I dream to be able to do chin-ups
I dream to create a career for myself that makes me excited
I dream to help someone else on their journey, so that they too can feel that the world is one of possibility
I dream of travelling to Europe
I dream of having a reliable car, made this century
I dream of having the finances to fix the leaky roof on my house
I dream of being able to pay for my childrens private school fees myself - without having to be subsidised
I dream of having the most rocking body I can possibly have as a 38 year old
I dream of writing a bestselling book
I dream of having the choice to make or buy gifts for my family at Christmas time, and choosing to make them anyway

My dreams are growing all the time........
 

Seven Ways to Stop Craving Junk Food

I am pretty excited to be writing this at the end of a very successful Week 1 of Round 4, 12WBT.  Five red flag days, this week - and my nutrition plan is still intact - very happy with that!

I wanted to share something I read this week - from the American version of Women's Health magazine.  I'm going to be re-reading this again, and again and again - you'll understand why, when you read the title......7 Ways to Stop Craving Junk Food.  I don't know about you, but even though it usually makes me feel sick these days, I still crave it, especially the sweet stuff, and sometimes the cravings get the better of me. 

Number One: Reinforce your Resolve:  One reason most diets fail is that long-term goals can be deceptively difficult: When the plan is to watch what you eat for the next six months, chugging one caramel latte with whipped cream seems like a minor slip (been here before!) To avoid that kind of thinking, commit to eating well for a fixed amount of time that you're 100 percent confident you can manage, even if it's just a few days.

Once you make it to your goal date, start over. This establishes the notion that you can be successful and gives you a chance to notice that eating better makes you feel better, reinforcing your desire to continue.

Number Two:  Find meaningful motivation
If the main purpose of your diet is cosmetic--i.e., to look amazing in boy shorts--you're unlikely to stick with it for the long haul.

The solution: Arm yourself with additional motivators.  Keep a daily journal in which you monitor migraines, heartburn, acne, canker sores, and sleep quality in addition to body measurements and the number on the scale.

Discovering that your new diet improves the quality of your life and health is powerful motivation.

Number Three:  Move on after a mistake
OK, you overindulged. What's the next step? Forget about it. One meal doesn't define your diet, so don't assume that you've failed or fallen off the wagon.

Institute a simple rule: Follow any "cheat" meal with at least five healthy meals and snacks. That ensures that you'll be eating right more than 80 percent of the time. (I LOVE this idea.)

 

Number Four: Roll out of bed and into the kitchen

Sure, you've heard this advice before. But consider that if you sleep for six to eight hours and then skip breakfast, your body is essentially running on fumes by the time you get to work. And that sends you desperately seeking sugar, which is usually pretty easy to find.

The most convenient foods are typically packed with sugar (doughnuts, lattes) or other quickly digested carbohydrates (McMuffins, cinnamon buns). Which brings us to our next strategy.

 

Number Five:  Restock your shelves (I know we've all just done this one - but a little reminder now and then never hurt anyone.)

How many times have you driven to the store in the middle of the night to satisfy a craving? Probably not nearly as often as you've raided the fridge. You're more likely to give in to a craving when the object you desire is close at hand. So make sure it's not: Toss the junk food and restock your cupboard and fridge with almonds and other nuts, cheese, fruit and vegetables, and canned tuna, chicken, and salmon. And do the same at work.

By eliminating snacks that don't match your diet and providing plenty that do, you're far less likely to find yourself at the doughnut-shop drive-thru or the vending machine.

 

Number Six:  Think like a biochemist

Cookies made with organic cane juice might sound like something your yoga teacher would eat, but they won't help her fit into her Lycra pants. Junk food by any other name is still junk. Ditto for lots of "health foods" in the granola aisle. "Natural" sweeteners like honey raise blood sugar just like the white stuff.

If you're going to eat cookies, accept that you're deviating from your plan, and then revert to your diet afterward. Kidding yourself will only get you into trouble.

 

Number Seven:  Spot hunger impostors

Have a craving for sweets even though you ate just an hour ago? Imagine sitting down to a large, sizzling steak instead. If you're truly hungry, the steak will sound good, and you should eatIf it doesn't sound good, your brain is playing tricks on you.
Change your environment, which can be as easy as stretching at your desk or turning your attention to a different task.

 

Now I really liked these.  Even though most seem like common sense, I'll take any extra strategies I can that will help get me closer to my health and fitness goals!

 

 

Have a great week two :)

 

 

 

Excuses, excuses, excuses

It is just a little bit exciting to be a part of the first Round 4 of 12WBT!  And a little bit exciting to be taking the Lean and Strong journey this round - after all I've seen the after photos of others, who've had babies, and then found where their abs have been hiding all this time - so I figure there's hope for me yet!

What is it about Task 1 - Get Real, No More Excuses, that makes it so hard?  Well - I find it hard anyway.  In actual fact - its only the Internal Excuses that are a problem.  Hello!   If that is not a great big signpost to a big fat road block, I don't know what is!   External excuses - I feel like I've worked them through - but I'll still be on the lookout, in case they sneak back in.  But unravelling all that internal dialogue.......now that is a whole different ball game.

Here's what I've got so far.....

I can't ever reach my goal weight (seriously?  Its about 3kg away!) Solution: Other people my height weigh my goal weight and with training, good nutrition and patience I will too.
I can't control myself with food (really - now I have four legs, a snout and a curly tail?!) Solution:
I have my hands on the steering wheel and if I am feeling weak, I will take a walk, get on the forums or find another way to keep my hands busy.

It's too hard to achieve the results I want.  Solution: Yes, it is hard work, but I am strong, and I have achieved other things I never thought were possible, so I will keep focussed on my goals, by reading them daily, and repeating my affirmations.

I haven't got time.  Solution: I will prioritise and plan my exercise to make sure it gets done.  We make time for the things that matter to us.
I'm sick of fighting with myself.  Solution:  I don't have to engage with the fight in my head - I can notice the things I am telling myself, and get on with the things I want to do anyway.  There is only a fight if I let there be one.

I just don't care right now.  Solution:  I need to walk/run away as soon as I hear this one in my head - because, the reality is - I DO CARE.  I recognise, that eating has been a coping mechanism that I've used, but now, I choose other ways to cope eg. exercise, reading, talking to friends, writing down what I'm feeling.

Here's hoping you all are having success in unravelling your own excuses - the battle is won and lost in our heads!

Don't you just love it when you learn something new? And it works.  So, perhaps what I've learnt is no new thing to many, no huge thing to others, but for me - it really fits well. 

After that ever so dramatic first paragraph, I know you are chomping at the bit for me to reveal ;)

Affirmations!

Affirmation:  1)The act of affirming or the state of being affirmed; assertion.
                       2) Something declared to be true; a positive statement or judgement

Now - who doesn't need more of that in their lives?!  Affirmations aren't a completely foreign concept to me, and from what I can see - they are certainly something that the most successful people in the world use.  If that doesn't sell the idea to you, I don't know what will!  I love Jillian Michaels book, Unlimited and she is certainly a big believer in positive self-affirmations.  She has two rules for constructing your affirmations the right way.

1. Focus on only positive words and phrases.  Focus on coming from a place of abundance, as you do when you are praying for something or trying to create a different outcome.  Use positive words.  if you use negative words, your subconscious mind will hear and place the focus on them.
2. Also be sure to use the present, not the future, tense.  Saying 'Iwill be' this or 'I will accomplish' that places your ideal reality in an indefinite future.  Instead, tell yourself that you are this or are accomplishing that now.  Sure, there's a little self-trickery involved, but that's the point.  The goal is to get your subvonscious mind to adapt and accept your affirmations as reality, so that they can become reality.
Here's one of her examples:
Don't say: 'I will not get tired or sick during my workout today' All your brain hears is tired, sick, and workout, so that is the reality you will create:  a workout that makes you tired and sick.
Do say: 'I am strong and healthy, with the energy I need to get through my workout.'  This statement, using self-assured, positive language, exudes confidence that will create the outcome you desire: a strong workout that delivers results and makes you feel great.

I reckon this all ties in with my last blog post and empowering beliefs.  So here's a couple I'm using at the moment:

I am in control of what I put in my body.
My body responds in positive ways to the gift of fitness and nutrition that I give it each day.
I am stronger than I know and I make my dreams become reality.
I have plenty of money and the security I want and deserve.

For me - these add a feeling of being in control - like Mish says - being in the driver's seat with both hands firmly on the steering wheel.  A sense of security comes as a result of that.

If you overhear someone muttering 'I am in control of what I put in my body' as they pass the confectionery aisle in the supermarket, say Hi - its probably me!

Always learning and peeling back the layers

A real focus for me, as you may already know, is to uncover the truth about my own weight gain, and why I've turned to food for comfort so readily in the past.  Ok, I'll admit it - it still happens sometimes.  Changing a pattern that's been firmly entrenched for about 20 years is H-A-R-D to break.
So last week, when I saw an article in Oxygen Magazine (first time I've ever bought this - the physiques of the women on the front always scares me!) titled 'You are what you think'.  I was intrigued.  It was part 2 of the article, part 1 being in the previous issue, and it really got me thinking and inspired this post.

The author comments that achieving and maintaining weight los can be simple - count me in! She also says, that it can be realistic to believe that you can maintain a slim body fairly easily but first, we have to look to our minds and to what we believe, as this is where success or failure begins.  So, I obviously can't put the whole article in here, but I'll try and give you the main points. 

Step 1:  Discover your beliefs.  She gives three questions to answer to help in your discovery, which you should not think about, just grab a pen and paper and answer with whatever comes, write until there is nothing else to write.  I haven't done these yet and though it might be fun or frightening - we'll have to wait and see, if I did my answers here.  So here goes....

What I believe about weight loss is....
I can't maintain it
I'm always going to be fighting with my body
I'm never going to be able to relax or I'll straight away gain weight
I can't trust myself around food
It's only a matter of time before the weight comes back
I shouldn't get used to looking and feeling like this, because it won't last
My body just loves to store fat
Some people don't even have to think about their weight, I can't stop thinking about mine
It's exhausting

What I believe about maintaining my ideal body weight is.....
I'm not sure that I can
If I'm not 100% focussed on training and calories all of the time, I'll gain my weight back
It never gets easy
It will always be hard work
One little slip up and the scales go up 1.5kg
I don't even know what my ideal body weight is, or what it should be
I don't know how to work it out
I don't know how to keep my training going so that my body has to keep guessing
Its a constant struggle
It feels like it will always be a constant struggle, and I don't think I can carry that around for the rest of my life

What I believe about eating healthily is....
It makes me feel better in my body and about myself
I like healthy food, but sugar and chocolate still undo me
I can only eat healthy for a short time and then I can't help but binge on chocolate
I can't make the changes I want to make permanent ones
I can't manage my nutrition well enough to get the results I want

Step 2: Acknowledge the limiting beliefs - look over your beliefs, because once you are aware of them you have the power to change them into beliefs that empower you.

Source the limiting belief:  It can be very helpful to remember the source of where the belief began.  Past memories become part of your belief systems now and are now limiting you.

Step 3:  Create a new empowering belief - write down the opposite to the limiting beliefs.  Create positive beliefs that support your weight loss goals.  Affirm these new beliefs to yourself each time you are exercising/eating/working throughout the day.  Eventually it becomes your natural way of thinking.

Step 4:  Visualise the outcome of your new belief - write down the answers to the following questions:
What does (insert new belief) look like?  (What will you see visually in your life that will let you know you have achieved this new belief?)
What does (insert new belief) feel like?
What will be my self-talk when I (insert new belief) and what will others be saying to me?

Wow - answering those questions taps into a whole world of negativity and 'I can'ts'.  I really found this very powerful - and as we can all see from my answers in step 1, I have a bit of work to do!  I know there's not some magic end point.  I know, even if I weigh my ideal weight - that's not the end of the road.  Its just a fuel stop in the longer journey.  There will always be more to learn, more layers to peel back, new ways to grow and change - and for every little thing that finds its way onto my path, that helps peel off another layer I am grateful.  Like Mish says "Losing weight is science, keeping it off is psychology"

 

"If you struggle to lose weight....

there will be a limiting belief in your subconscious brain."  Tamika Hilder - Think Your Body Slim Coach

Inspiration/Motivation and other stuff

Sometimes the words and images of others really leave an impression. So today - even though it feels a tiny bit like cheating my post today is quotes/words etc from other sources that inspire/move and motivate me. Enjoy.



 I like to read these often, 'cause we all know, sometimes the road just seems awfully long.

 

Follow Your Destiny by Vicki Silvers

 

There comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever.  You realize that if you fall and stay down, life will pass you by.  Life's circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be.  The pattern of life does not necessarily go as you plan.  Beyond any understanding, you may at imes be led in different directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed.  Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path, or tried to carry out your dream, then perhaps you would have no direction at all.  Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now.  Shake off the 'whys' and 'what ifs', and rid yourself of confusion.  Whatever was is in the past.  Whatever is - is what's important.  The past is a brief reflection.  The future is yet to be realized.  Today is here. 

Walk your path one step at a time with courage, faith, and determination.  Keep your head up and cast your dreams to the starts.  Soon your steps will become firm and your footing will be solid again.  A path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction you could have ever hoped to follow.

Keep your belief in yourself and walk into your new journey.  You will find it magnificent, spectacular and beyond your wildest imaginings.

 

Some final pics:

A Fun Run Virgin - turned addict!

 

That's me - in the orange at the front.  Just kidding!  But I am there somewhere, towards the back, way, way back.

 

So excited today.  Ran in my first ever Fun Run - Adelaide's City to Bay.  It was A-W-E-S-O-M-E!  Like really, really awesome.  Even when I was waiting in the starting area, with goosebumps all over.  Even when I was wondering if I'd make it to the finish line before I needed to pee - didn't want to take any longer than necessary!  Even though caution is needed when running near any blokes (sorry guys) because they spit - YUCK!  Even though it started raining. 

 

I can't remember how long I have wanted to be fit enough and thin enough to run this.  Years.  And then my doctor told me I shouldn't run, because I have osteoarthritis.  At 35 years old.  That's one way to make you feel as though your life is over before its hardly even begun. 

 

And then came 12wbt in March 2011.  Thank God!  I decided, I would just run for those 12 weeks, as part of the exercise program, and then stop, to save my knees.  As it turned out, those 12 weeks, were just the beginning.  I haven't stopped.  And you know what else - I swallow fish oil like it's going out of fashion, and 27kg's lighter - my knees are feeling A.O.K.

 

 

The lead up to today's run was not without its drama, mind you.  I've been swallowing multivitamins and garlic tablets and all sorts for the past 2 weeks because all of my kids have been real sick, then husband got it too - so I tried to hold my breath as much as possible while sleeping next to him so I wouldn't breathe in his germs.  I had a sore throat all week, and then on Friday my chest started hurting, and getting tight (I'm an asthmatic).  By Saturday morning I had serious doubts as to whether or not I would be in a state to run the next day.  Saturday night though, I was feeling like I might be OK.  Phew!  I was pretty determined to run no matter what, but I didn't want to do anything silly.  But wait - there's more.  My Mum, who is so proud of what I've been able to achieve (love you, Mum),  offered to get up at 5.30am to drive me to the city and then pick me up at the other end.  An then, last night, I get a phone call from my Dad, saying he's got my Mum at the hospital with Mum in terrible pain with an ear infection, and he doesn't know if she'll be up to driving in the morning.  He says, go ahead as planned and if he or Mum can't drive in the morning, I'll have to take myself.  Sad face!  I pull myself together, give myself a little pep talk, try not to pay too much notice to the chatter in my head telling me - "See, you're never going to get to do the things you dream of.  Good things aren't meant for you." Hmmmm.

 

I go to bed early, until 3.30am.  When my mind will not stop - where will I park?  I haven't got a travel voucher to get back to the city?  What time do I need to leave?  Aaargh.  I tried and I tried and I tried to go back to sleep.  But no, at 5am, I gave up.  I did have thoughts of perhaps falling asleep mid-stride.  What a relief to arrive at my Mum's and see Mum up and ready to go, with a very blocked ear, but no pain!  A big YIPEE!

 

What a relief to finally get there.  I've never been so excited to share portaloos with 39,000 others in my life!  I grinned like a cheshire cat all the way through the first kilometre.  So much fun!  When I powered (yes, I really did come home strong) over that finish line - it was fan-freaking-tastic!  I felt invincible!  And then I got really cold because it was still raining.  But that's OK. 

 

So next year, I'm planning to move up a time group, and be with the sub-60 minute runners - ooh look, I can even talk the lingo!  Who's a clever girl then?!

 

 



Goal setting is making me sweat!

I know, I know.  I can hear Mish 'The Pre-season tasks are so important.  Those who do their pre-season tasks do better on the program'.    It's been on my to-do list, truly it has!  Today its at the top. And OH MY GOODNESS - it is H.A.R.D!  I'm feeling a little freaked out.  A couple of weeks ago I saw a picture in a magazine of a woman in a yoga pose.  The caption on the picture said 'Goal setting is powerful, but without a meaningful vision, your goals risk becoming just another checklist.  Spend some time looking into your future and create a personal vision that get you excited and maybe even a little nervous.  Ask yourself, "What does my life look like in ten years?"

Reading that made my heart race - almost like  running up a hill!  I'll be way closer to 50 than I'd like to be.  And aside from that - well I just don't know.  My youngest child will be 15, maybe there will only be a couple at home by that stage.  I've just never thought that far ahead.  In some ways never had that luxury - I've been so consumed with just surviving the current day.  And now, that I'm clawing myself back.  Finding who I am when I'm not someones wife, or mother - I feel like life is only just beginning.  And now it's only a little more than ten years and I'll be 50 - my life is over!  Now, I realise, I'm being more than a little dramatic, and anyone who is 50, is highly offended and wants to hit me over the head!  But heck, it got me thinking.    And you know what - I don't really know where I want to be in 10 years time.

Some things are obvious - I want to be fit and healthy.  I want to have raised happy, healthy, productive, kind, determined and resilient children.  I want my marriage to be a strong, healthy and fulfilling one.  I'd like to be financially stable.  But then what. 

I work in a job that I do enjoy, but really just because it was there and we need the money.  It's not really a position with a lot of room to grow.  So what else?  How do I want to be spending my working hours?  Do I have a huge burning desire to accomplish something in particular career wise?  I don't know.   I'm just beginning to discover all sorts of things that interest me, that I care about, that make my heart skip a beat.  But is one of them a career?  How do you even figure this stuff out.  I don't want to just sort of drift into one day and then the next, and before you know it, another 12 months have passed.  Now that I really feel like I am living, taking a participatory role in my life, rather than a spectator, I want to do it well.  I want to squeeze every bit of living from it that I can.  I want to have goals other than numbers on the scales.

At this point - its mostly numbers that are clear to me, so here they are:

One month goals - lose 5kg.  70.3kg down to 65.3kg. 
Not bingeing on Weigh-in-Wednesdays
Not returning to yo-yo dieting patterns because I binged on Wednesday
Run first ever Fun Run - 12km
Finish a module of my Interior Design course

Three month goals - be at goal weight of 60 kg (or less)
To have a waist measurement of 80 cm (or less)
To be maintaining my non-yo-yo diet lifestyle
To run 12km in 1 hour or less
To wear a halter-neck or backless top with confidence
To fit my favourite size ten jeans comfortably
To be able to wear a shirt tucked into my jeans without overhang
To finish another 3 modules of my Interior Design course
DREAM - to attend Round 3 Finale

Six month goals - be maintaining goal weight of 60kg and non-yo-yo eating
- Bench press 50kg
- Finish Interior Design Course (deadline JANUARY 2013)

Twelve month goals - still maintaining goal weight of 60 kg and non-yo-yo eating
- To be able to afford to take my family on a little holiday

What else?  I wish I knew.  I'm going to let it 'stew' for a bit and see what happens.  I'll be back with more.

No answers for childhood obesity, just questions

A forum post I've read has really gotten me thinking about something.  Really got me feeling - very sad. 

The forum post talked about a kid who had been overweight since he was little, but whilst being away on some kind of camp for a month, away from his family, and whatever he usually ate - he has lost 10kg.  That is mind-blowing!  It speaks very loudly to what his diet was like at home.

Gosh, I'm not making any kind of personal judgements here - I know, every parent is just doing the best they can for their kids.  The best they know how to do.  That's all we can all do.  What I'm wondering is - how is it that as a society we've neglected to pass on what healthful eating looks like?  Why is it that it takes people like Jamie Oliver to open people's eyes to what they are putting on their plates.  How did we end up in this place, where for some people, the only things they eat in a day, come from a packet? 

Is it that we are so busy doing, that we've traded off preparing food from scratch for earning money, buying things?  I feel sad every day that I work.  I work in a school canteen/cafe.  I estimate that nearly a third of the kids that come to the canteen, are overweight, if not obese.  I don't know about you, but when I was in high school (about 20 years ago - cringe), there were only a handful of kids that were overweight.  What has happened in the past 20 years?  I feel so sad for the struggle ahead of them - the struggle to lose weight; the struggle to keep their health; the struggle to move; the struggle to fit-in that so often accompanies being overweight.  So many kids come to the canteen with their recess or lunch in their hands, with nothing fresh, or homemade or not out of a packet to be seen.  Why do we do this to our kids?  To their future?

Recently, in my husband's work, a mother was given $50 and sent into the supermarket to buy lunch and snacks for herself and her 5 children for the next day, when they were going to an aquatic centre.  She came out with 5 litres of Coke, and packets of chips. 

Is it that we are ignorant?  When we buy our kids a bright blue coloured iceblock, do we actually think it is food we are giving them?  When we eat a burger from a fast food chain - I'm sure we've all heard the story about the person that kept a cheeseburger on their fridge for five years, and it looked the same after five years as the day it was bought - do we really think we are nourishing our bodies?

Don't get me wrong - my kids eat junk food from time to time.  They're kids.  For some reason they're drawn to brightly coloured non-food substances!  I can't and don't want to be some kind of control freak who monitors every morsel that goes into their mouths.  But I do give them the information about what  exactly happens in their body if they drink a glass of soft drink or whatever.  But, for the most part, I do everything I can to make sure I'm feeding them food that will help them learn and grow and play.  I try not to feed them food that will just add more complications to a life, that will already have its share of complications.

Uncovering Myself

I couldn't believe how moving creating an inspiration board for the 12WBT was.  How powerful.  Browsing hundreds of images, letting my heart not my head speak to me, call me, draw me in.  Showing me more of who I am, no filters, no covering up, no misrepresenting myself for the approval of someone else.  I am unique.  That is actually a good thing - so wish my 14, 15, 16 and 17 year old self could have known that.  It is exciting to uncover new parts of myself, often parts that have been hidden and rejected.

Because this round, for me is all about focussing on what's going on in my head - it was interesting to notice my thoughts, even whilst trying to uncover myself and my dreams and desires.  Even in this supportive, encouraging forum, I caught myself thinking - Ooh, I don't want to put that, because then it just seems like I want 'things'.  And - I'd better put something like that on, because that makes me look like a nicer person.  What the?!

My goodness!  Who am I trying to impress?  This is for me, about me.  And still, I'm trying to be seen as OK to others.  So I've made my best effort to select images that motivate, inspire, and move me.  Things that I feel passionate about, things so beautiful, my heart skips a beat.

 It's wonderful to get a little peak into the lives of other 12wbter's.  To see what makes others tick - what makes your heart skip a beat.  Which in turn - inspires me.  Looking at the world through  the eyes of someone else trying to be their best self, different eyes to mine.  What a privilege.

I think I've had myself a little life-lesson today!  We are all so breathtakingly unique and individual.  And that is absolutely fantastic!  I love that the life experiences and minds of others combine to create and dream and visualise things that are different to mine - even the ones that don't make my heart skip a beat!  I love what I can learn from that, even if its just, farout - I really don't like orange furniture!

Here's to all of our gobsmackingly wonderful uniqueness!

PS - Here's my Inspiration Board

<a href="http://pinterest.com/carissafh/"><img src="http://passets-lt.pinterest.com/images/about/buttons/follow-me-on-pinterest-button.png" width="169" height="28" alt="Follow Me on Pinterest" /></a>

When it gets ugly

The Ugly....

There's nothing for it - but to be completely raw and honest.

Sometimes life just seems to stink for a bit.  A bit of background info would probably help set the scene here....
  Seven and a half years ago, my husband and I had just had our fifth baby.  My husband ran his own fencing contracting business, which after starting from scratch five years earlier was just starting to pay its way.  I didn't work outside the home, as we were homeschooling our other children.  My husband had just returned to work for the year after Christmas break, when an accident happened at work, leaving the man working with my husband with life-threatening injuries, and Jamie (husband) with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  He has always struggled with depression and anxiety, but this accident really tipped him over the edge.  He spent the next 6 months in bed while I tried to hold everything together.  After many hours of therapy he was doing better, but could still only cope with a few hours of work.  This went on for months and months, and he was always sick and fatigued.  After about two years, when his fatigue got to the stage that if he walked to our front gate - approximately 12 metres away, he had to spend the rest of the day in bed recovering.  He was then diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  We also added our sixth child to the family.  During this time, our only means of income were Family Payments from Centrelink and a Disability Pension.  It has been so, so tough financially - our roof leaks because it is so rusted, we have rotting floorboards outside our bathroom door, our screen door blew off our house and so on.  These sorts of things just have to go by the way side, when you are juggling if the children's school shoes can be glued together one more time, so that you can replace the pair of pants that got a hole in the knees or put petrol in the car so that you can go to a family birthday party on the weekend.  Financially, things have been  rotten.  Jamie still struggles with his anxiety, our relationship has struggled with the demands placed on it, I have been scraping the bottom of the barrel emotionally and physically for way too long, and our 16 year old son with Aspbergers, has for many months turned our family on its head.

So in a previous post I mentioned a job prospect for Jamie.  He didn't end up with that job, but as a result ended up with a 4 week contract with the strong possibility of it becoming permanent.  You can imagine the excitement in our house!  A regular income!  He has completed three weeks, but was told today, that the permanent position has gone to someone else.....aaargh!   Jamie had some part time work, that he had to quit, in order to take up this contract, so now we're back to barely any income again.   The 7 hours of part-time work I've found and Centrelink.  Now I know, in my head, that things will work out somehow, but I can't help the avalanche of feelings that are rushing in.  I'm so tired of that juggle.  I'm so tired of not being able to fix my house.  Of not knowing if we should get our lawnmower repaired, because the car is so old and tired, that it will probably need major repairs any day now.  I'm tired of only being able to afford old, tired, broken cars that always need fixing.  I'm tired of having to always tell the kids, 'No, sorry, we can't ever go see a movie together, we can't afford it.'  I'm tired of having $200 left in the bank for the next week, to try and feed my family nutriciously and still put fuel in the car.  I'm tired of hoping I will have earnt enough Everyday Rewards and Fly Buys points to be able to get gift cards, so that I can buy my kids a Christmas present.  I'm tired of how draining I find it trying to help Jamie maintain a somewhat positive view of life, when it's fairly easy to think it all looks bad.  I'm tired of how when he doesn't have something to occupy his mind - he starts feeling bad about everything, mostly, it seems, about how badly I'm meeting his needs.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing everything I can possibly do, to hold this family together, and make it work, and yet it's still such an uphill battle.  I just don't feel like fighting anymore.  I know there's really no such thing as normal, but I so wish for that fantasy - the white picket fence, the happy children, the motivated and successful husband who works, and a mutually rewarding and satisfying marriage partnership.  The icing on today's 'special' cake - my oldest and dearest friend, who lives interstate,  is currently in my state, for her Mum's funeral, and I can't go because my car is at the mechanics and I'm at work trying to pay for it!  So I can't be with her, when her own life is awful, awful, awful.

A little spark of light......

I haven't eaten this away.  No chocolate.  I've even been in the shops, and not bought any.  I am SO pleased with this.  Its taken white knuckled determination all the way.  But, I've done it. 

There is much to be grateful for, I know.  We are together, we are mostly healthy, we have warm beds, we aren't hungry.  I'm not looking for pity.  I'm frightened this sounds like one big dramatic Days of Our Lives style, sob story.   I just need a way to let some of these INTENSE emotions out so that I can think clearly again, and find the way forward.  And, besides, I don't have the energy to pretend I'm feeling super pumped right now - cos, I'm just not! 

I'm grateful to have let the feelings out.  I'm grateful for the space to do so.  I'm endeavouring to focus my energy on the little sparks of light.  Thank you.