Plan, plan, and then plan some more!

Today, was nearly a day of undoing.  Gulp!  Not enough planning went into today - the things that almost went in my mouth were very nearly, not the greatest choices.   I'm tempted to use that phrase we've probably all used before, 'I undid all of my hard work'.  Ridiculous though really.  One meal that doesn't fit with your goals, is seriously not going to undo all of one's hard work!  The mind games we play with ourselves!   The day went something like this.....it's school holidays, so I got up later than usual.  I was due to take two of my kids to my sister in laws by 10am to have their hair cut, but before I could do that I needed to clean our big Hiace van inside and out, because my brother is going to sell it for us (six kids is more than enough for us! Wish we'd listened when people warned us about what having teenagers was like!  Lol.)  That doesn't include getting my training done, eating breakfast, cleaning up the kitchen, hanging up a load of washing, blah, blah, blah.  You know how it goes.  Notice on the list of things to do - packing snacks and lunch for myself isn't on the list and you'll begin to see how things could start to unravel.  So when we finally arrive at my sister-in-laws at 10.40 (oops), I have eaten breakfast - a bowl of muesli in the car (I love a recipe of Rosemary Stanton's for healthy and scrummy toasted muesli, with a few personal modifications).  But no lunch is planned.  This is all fine, until about 1.30pm, when the tummy is really starting to make rather loud noises!  And -  there is this golden, buttery anzac slice on the counter - mmmmmm.   You'll be pleased to know I managed to talk myself through it - having a coffee, to keep my going until I got home.  But, only because I was relaxed - so I had the 'brain-space' to work it through in my head - goals/weigh-in day tomorrow or pieces of slice? 

What have I learned - plan, plan, plan!  Nothing startling here - its just oh-so true.  So, I'm going to have a back-up plan - always.  A protein bar in my bag, an apple, whatever - just something to get me out of a spot.  I've chucked a list of my goals in my bag too - so I can't avoid them.  I know - if I'd been out shopping with the kids, and things were stressful, and I could smell the smells of a food court or something - I may be telling a different story now.  If I'm strung out (or a myriad of other emotions) it is so much harder to remember where I'm heading. 

Interested in Rosemary's Muesli?  Here's a link:

http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/11023/rosemary+stantons+toasted+muesli

Lorna Jane named a crop after me! Well sort of......

Here she is!

I don't know about anyone else, but I LOVE Lorna Jane activewear. Did I mention I L.O.V.E Lorna Jane! So imagine my delight when, drooling over her clothes - again, I see a crop - called 'Carissa'. This made my day - my christian name being.......Carissa!!!  On  a personal note - I have never worn a crop  - six babies have left their mark on my poor belly!  But, damn it, I am going to find a way to wear this one!  You have to don't you?  If it has your own name attached?  Well, that's the justification I'm using anyway!  Its fitting, because, my reward to myself is to buy some Lorna Jane items as rewards for reaching my goals along the way.  I purchased two tops this week, which I have tried on - but not worn, in anticipation of reaching my month 1 goal (which will be in week 5, because I signed up late).  They are beautiful.  One says 'Dance with me' - that will be for wearing to Zumba - Yay!! And the other one, doesn't say anything at all but is in my favourite shade of green - and will probably be for wearing to Zumba - more yay!  By the end of this round - I'm hoping for a whole new Lorna wardrobe.  Seems kind of fitting to end things with another picture borrowed from Lorna Jane. 





Mind Games

I'd mentioned in my last post about some work I'm doing on my head - or what goes on inside it to be precise.  I don't really know why it is that sometimes things just start getting to you, but this week - things are getting to me - in a BIG way.  Is this a case of the week 3 curse?!  Does everyone suddenly well up with tears while showering; while driving the kids to school; while chatting with friends; while making lunches at work?  That's been my week.  Here's what I've noticed going on inside my head.

My husband had a job interview this week - if he is succesful, it will be the first time in eight years that our family has had any income, let alone regular income.  You'd think I might be a little excited about the prospect, - but, I can't let myself get attached to that possibility - because, that sort of good stuff doesn't happen for us.  We just struggle from one hurdle in life to the next.  That's what I've found myself thinking.   It makes me cry, thinking of the huge difference that would make in our lives, and also sad, because I presume it will never be ours.  Why?  What am I telling myself that story for?  Why can't that happen to us.

Another example - after an exercise class I went to with my sister-in-law, I was chatting with our instructor, who commented that her husband thinks my sister-in-law is gorgeous (she is) and he had joked that my sister-in-law could come visit any time.  Nothing in that right?  Wrong!  Instantly, I'm thinking, yep, I'm not gorgeous.  No one's husband would be thinking that about me.  Which leads into - I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, likeable enough........you get the picture. 

These thought patterns in the past have led me straight to the nearest chocolate bar - thank goodness I've done the kitchen makeover pre-season task!  I guess most people have their own versions of my negative thinking.  I'm wanting to unravel mine.  I'm hoping that recognising it is a good first step.  Its just such a struggle at times - keeping the faith - trusting that there's a reason for the struggle, that there's a reason for my life.  Michelle said in the live feed - that I'm perfect, that we're all perfect, that we're in just the right place.  I'm holding onto that for dear life.

Back blogging with a bang!

I know, it's something that is said all the time - but - my how time flies!  Life gets crazy and suddenly 1 month has passed, and then two and then 12!!!  I'm excited to be writing here again, thanks Michelle Bridges - you made me do it! 

I finished my third and final round of 2011 doing Lean and Strong last year.  Feeling pretty good about being 27kg lighter, a whole lot musclier (got distracted while I was driving because I was too busy admiring my own guns!  Oops).  And then it was Christmas.  And then it was Easter.  And then three of my children had birthdays.  And then I'd gained back 8kg!  2012 was my year to see how I'd go on my own, not being part of 12WBT.  But I'm back, the accountability and support here, helps keep me focused on the direction I want to be heading in.  I read somewhere recently (doesn't it drive you nuts when you can't remember where you saw something?!) that our committment it what keeps us going in the direction we want - when we don't have the motivation.  Or something like that.  Sounds like a plan to me.  This round, I'm doing things I've never done.  I'm keeping a journal; I take notes during Michelle's videos like I'm at school; a sorry admission - but for the first time, I'm diarising red flag days (yes Michelle would probably like to smack me around the head for that one!).  I'm really looking at the talk going on in my head - paying attention to the negative stuff in particular (more on that later - turns out I've got quite a bit of work still to do in that department!).  I'm not beating myself up about the 8kg weight gain - I'm learning where my weak spots still are and making plans for how to combat them.

So here I am - back enjoying the comradery, the DOMS, the breakdowns and hopefully the breakthroughs that are part of 12WBT.  I listed in my pre-season task - that I want to make  magic happen - here goes!

Breaking free from Zombie land

Nearly a month has passed. Crazy days filled with sick children (still got three sickies); trips to hospital (with aforementioned sick child); husband having melt-downs due to changing anti-depressants; 15 year old son with Aspberger's being his usual challenging self; and the usual day-to-day stuff - shopping, cooking, cleaning, training, being referee for arguments, playing taxi driver........Sometimes feels like the demands will never end.

A few months ago a therapist that I see (thoroughly recommend everyone gets their own therapist!) suggested that for the whole of the school holidays, that I didn't do anything that I didn't want to do. Being someone who has been at the very, very bottom of my own priority list for, well, as long as I can remember, this sounded ridiculous. I could kind of see the method in her "madness", but I have six kids and a husband and a falling down house, and no money and so on, and so on. She added, that of course there would be things that I would have to do - 6 children, make a lot of washing - need I say more, just so long as I was doing these things consciously - making an active choice to do them.

It was an eye-opening two weeks. I spend so much of my life doing things because I "should". Because they "need" doing. Because someone else "needs" something. A lot of the time, I really get around like somewhat of a Zombie. I don't "see" what I'm doing, I don't experience what I'm doing. My body is present, but that's about it. My mind is ususally many km's ahead, on the next thing that I should be doing. And you know what else? I conducted my relationships in the same way....I wasn't really there when my four year old was showing me her latest artwork, or when my 13 year old was telling me about the latest drama at school, or when my husband was telling me how he was feeling, or even there for myself - I wasn't paying enough attention to myself to notice I was exhausted, or frustrated, or happy or sad.

Living like this had become a coping mechanism - there had been so much going on that was so difficult to manage, that being "checked out" meant that I could keep coping with all that was on my plate. Only trouble is, it comes at a price - 30kg's overweight for one, missing out on "life" with my family for another, never feeling joy - or anything else for that matter. Realising these things has been a massive step. Making changes is an ongoing challenge. Putting myself on my own priority list, has in many ways turned my family's world upside down. "No" wasn't something any of them heard from me very often. I'm guessing that I will never have enough hours in the day to do all of the things I want to do, that I will never play as many games of memory with my kids as I might like, that I will never have enough chats over a cup of tea with my husband, or that I might never sew all the creations in my head that I would like to create. I reckon though, that really being there for the game of memory and the cup of tea, and making time to get the sewing machine out once in a while, feeling my own feelings - whatever they are, is a much healthier place to be than Zombie land.

Feelings and Worthlessness

So many thoughts bubbling away in my head this week - hoping I can share them in a way that makes some sense....

For a long time now, I've had questions about what us mortals are to do with our feelings if we are not to try and make them go away by eating or working too hard, or drinking too much, or whatever your particular brand of escape is. My particular coping mechanism has been eating, with diversions now and then into never stopping - always cleaning/cooking/making something. A first step for me was after reading some of Geneen Roth's books, I became aware that the eating has been serving a purpose - it has allowed me to cope with and survive things I didn't think I could. A big lesson! Now, moving on from that, I can recognise that although my eating has served it's purpose, I see that I can survive things I thought I couldn't, and that there are other ways to deal with the things I am feeling, that help to make me more whole as a person, rather than stuffing me full - and I'm not talking about food here - I'm talking about being so stuffed full of emotions that you feel as though you will burst, feel as though you can't take a breath. For me, what usually happened is that I had so much going on just beneath my calm exterior, that one little irritation with the kids, or one car that cut me off in traffic, or whatever and look out! Flood gates would open - either flood gates of tears, or lashing out at whoever was near me. That way of being isn't a whole lot of fun for anyone (just ask my kids!).

You see, I had to eat, because when life was dishing out lemons - I thought that's what I deserved.... Someone overweight like me, someone as unlovable as me, someone as bad as me, someone as insignificant and worthless as me - couldn't and shouldn't expect anything other than difficulty and dissatisfaction in life (oh, the deep sadness I feel just writing this). I am learning that all those things I was thinking about myself, are not the truth about me (or anyone for that matter). I'm not bad if I'm overweight, I am loveable and deserving of love, and other good things, I have value and worth, and something to offer - and sometimes life just gives us s**t to deal with. But the s**t is just s**t, and not a reflection on ourselves, or our value as humans - so wish I could have learnt that 30kg ago!

And now, back to what to do with the feelings......I'd come to realise, that you have to feel them, but then what? Today, I read, what I think is a fantastic way of looking at and processing the feelings, and also why it's so important - turns out that when you're busy burying the negative feelings, you somehow seem to miss out on the positive ones too. The following comes from a book that I am loving called "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo. "Very often, when hurt or depressed or anxious, we encounter powerful feelings like ghosts without a body, trying to pour themselves into us, trying to dominate our lives. They seem to gather in the cave of our pain, stoking our wounds like stones in a fire that keeps them warm.

After years of struggling to let my painful feelings out, I'm learning that the other side of this, which is just as essential to my well-being is not to let the hurt or depression or anxiety set up camp inside me.

I must confess it has taken me all this way to fully understand that the purpose of surfacing these powerful feelings is to continually empty my heart and mind of its sediment, so that new life can make its way into me.

There are dangers to not letting such feelings out. But once felt, there are dangers as well to not letting such feelings move on through. For just as our lungs must stay clear for the next mouthfull of air, our heart must stay unobstructed for the next feeling we encounter.

There is no freedom until we dance the ghosts from the chambers of our wounds, until we pile our wounds like stones at the mouth of our own quarries."

I LOVE the way he writes. The beautiful way he expresses himself. He goes on to describe a kind of meditation to do in order to facilitate the feeling of the feelings and also the moving on.

To myself, and to everyone - today (and everyday) there is no room for worthlessness.

Grateful for:
-Freshly washed sheets on my bed.
-The gorgeous things that come out of four year old mouths.
-Writers (like Mark Nepo) that have a way with words.

My trip down the well-worn poor food choices road, and mindfulness

When my scales showed an 800g loss this week, I was over the moon! With two days of eating as though the world was about to end (even though it makes me feel so sick), I was scared, very scared. So, you'd think, that I'd wipe my brow, mutter "phew" and move forward, having learnt a valuable lesson or two. But no! I've had two unwise eating days this week also, so I am seriously chasing my own tail, in order to clean up the mess I've made. Grrrrrr. You can come so far, and yet sometimes it feels as though there is still so far yet to go. You think you've learned from the past, and you'll never make those same mistakes again - but those tyre tracks down that old familiar road are deep, and it is hard going on this new road, that hasn't been worn smooth yet.

By my bedside are approximately 25-30 books. It is a kind of New Year's Resolution of mine to read them all before I buy any more (umm - confession time, I have added one or two). A book that's been there for a while is Savor - Mindful Eating, Mindful Life by Thich Nhat Hanh and Dr Liliam Cheung. As part of my action plan to prevent further episodes of not so good food choices, I've decided to read the books that deal with weight loss/mindfulness/healthy living first. I love it when you read /see/hear something and it is so right that it is somehow immediately absorbed into every fibre of your being (hope I'm not sounding too whacky!). Thich Nhat Hanh is a Buddhist leader/teacher. He writes of the Four Noble Truths that Buddha taught (I know nothing about Buddhism - but these are some truth!). He applies them to weight loss like this:

First Noble Truth - all of us have suffering in our lives. None of us can escape from it. Being overweight or obese is suffering (you hadn't figured that out yet now had you?!)

Second Noble Truth - we can identify the causes of our suffering. You can identify the roots of your weight problem eg. overweight parents, too much softdrink, not enough activity, not enough sleep, mindless eating etc.

Third Noble Truth - we can put an end to our suffering and that healing is possible. Reaching a healthy weight is possible.

Fourth Noble Truth - there are paths to free us from suffering. We can cultivate our well-being by concretely applying mindfulness to our daily living. You can follow a mindful path to a healthy weight.

Ah, it all just makes so much sense to me. He of course goes into much greater detail. I will keep reading......

Grateful for:

-Good friends coming to visit
-Great honest conversation
-Pumpkin soup and homemade wholemeal bread rolls straight out of the oven, yum!