A Fun Run Virgin - turned addict!

 

That's me - in the orange at the front.  Just kidding!  But I am there somewhere, towards the back, way, way back.

 

So excited today.  Ran in my first ever Fun Run - Adelaide's City to Bay.  It was A-W-E-S-O-M-E!  Like really, really awesome.  Even when I was waiting in the starting area, with goosebumps all over.  Even when I was wondering if I'd make it to the finish line before I needed to pee - didn't want to take any longer than necessary!  Even though caution is needed when running near any blokes (sorry guys) because they spit - YUCK!  Even though it started raining. 

 

I can't remember how long I have wanted to be fit enough and thin enough to run this.  Years.  And then my doctor told me I shouldn't run, because I have osteoarthritis.  At 35 years old.  That's one way to make you feel as though your life is over before its hardly even begun. 

 

And then came 12wbt in March 2011.  Thank God!  I decided, I would just run for those 12 weeks, as part of the exercise program, and then stop, to save my knees.  As it turned out, those 12 weeks, were just the beginning.  I haven't stopped.  And you know what else - I swallow fish oil like it's going out of fashion, and 27kg's lighter - my knees are feeling A.O.K.

 

 

The lead up to today's run was not without its drama, mind you.  I've been swallowing multivitamins and garlic tablets and all sorts for the past 2 weeks because all of my kids have been real sick, then husband got it too - so I tried to hold my breath as much as possible while sleeping next to him so I wouldn't breathe in his germs.  I had a sore throat all week, and then on Friday my chest started hurting, and getting tight (I'm an asthmatic).  By Saturday morning I had serious doubts as to whether or not I would be in a state to run the next day.  Saturday night though, I was feeling like I might be OK.  Phew!  I was pretty determined to run no matter what, but I didn't want to do anything silly.  But wait - there's more.  My Mum, who is so proud of what I've been able to achieve (love you, Mum),  offered to get up at 5.30am to drive me to the city and then pick me up at the other end.  An then, last night, I get a phone call from my Dad, saying he's got my Mum at the hospital with Mum in terrible pain with an ear infection, and he doesn't know if she'll be up to driving in the morning.  He says, go ahead as planned and if he or Mum can't drive in the morning, I'll have to take myself.  Sad face!  I pull myself together, give myself a little pep talk, try not to pay too much notice to the chatter in my head telling me - "See, you're never going to get to do the things you dream of.  Good things aren't meant for you." Hmmmm.

 

I go to bed early, until 3.30am.  When my mind will not stop - where will I park?  I haven't got a travel voucher to get back to the city?  What time do I need to leave?  Aaargh.  I tried and I tried and I tried to go back to sleep.  But no, at 5am, I gave up.  I did have thoughts of perhaps falling asleep mid-stride.  What a relief to arrive at my Mum's and see Mum up and ready to go, with a very blocked ear, but no pain!  A big YIPEE!

 

What a relief to finally get there.  I've never been so excited to share portaloos with 39,000 others in my life!  I grinned like a cheshire cat all the way through the first kilometre.  So much fun!  When I powered (yes, I really did come home strong) over that finish line - it was fan-freaking-tastic!  I felt invincible!  And then I got really cold because it was still raining.  But that's OK. 

 

So next year, I'm planning to move up a time group, and be with the sub-60 minute runners - ooh look, I can even talk the lingo!  Who's a clever girl then?!

 

 



Goal setting is making me sweat!

I know, I know.  I can hear Mish 'The Pre-season tasks are so important.  Those who do their pre-season tasks do better on the program'.    It's been on my to-do list, truly it has!  Today its at the top. And OH MY GOODNESS - it is H.A.R.D!  I'm feeling a little freaked out.  A couple of weeks ago I saw a picture in a magazine of a woman in a yoga pose.  The caption on the picture said 'Goal setting is powerful, but without a meaningful vision, your goals risk becoming just another checklist.  Spend some time looking into your future and create a personal vision that get you excited and maybe even a little nervous.  Ask yourself, "What does my life look like in ten years?"

Reading that made my heart race - almost like  running up a hill!  I'll be way closer to 50 than I'd like to be.  And aside from that - well I just don't know.  My youngest child will be 15, maybe there will only be a couple at home by that stage.  I've just never thought that far ahead.  In some ways never had that luxury - I've been so consumed with just surviving the current day.  And now, that I'm clawing myself back.  Finding who I am when I'm not someones wife, or mother - I feel like life is only just beginning.  And now it's only a little more than ten years and I'll be 50 - my life is over!  Now, I realise, I'm being more than a little dramatic, and anyone who is 50, is highly offended and wants to hit me over the head!  But heck, it got me thinking.    And you know what - I don't really know where I want to be in 10 years time.

Some things are obvious - I want to be fit and healthy.  I want to have raised happy, healthy, productive, kind, determined and resilient children.  I want my marriage to be a strong, healthy and fulfilling one.  I'd like to be financially stable.  But then what. 

I work in a job that I do enjoy, but really just because it was there and we need the money.  It's not really a position with a lot of room to grow.  So what else?  How do I want to be spending my working hours?  Do I have a huge burning desire to accomplish something in particular career wise?  I don't know.   I'm just beginning to discover all sorts of things that interest me, that I care about, that make my heart skip a beat.  But is one of them a career?  How do you even figure this stuff out.  I don't want to just sort of drift into one day and then the next, and before you know it, another 12 months have passed.  Now that I really feel like I am living, taking a participatory role in my life, rather than a spectator, I want to do it well.  I want to squeeze every bit of living from it that I can.  I want to have goals other than numbers on the scales.

At this point - its mostly numbers that are clear to me, so here they are:

One month goals - lose 5kg.  70.3kg down to 65.3kg. 
Not bingeing on Weigh-in-Wednesdays
Not returning to yo-yo dieting patterns because I binged on Wednesday
Run first ever Fun Run - 12km
Finish a module of my Interior Design course

Three month goals - be at goal weight of 60 kg (or less)
To have a waist measurement of 80 cm (or less)
To be maintaining my non-yo-yo diet lifestyle
To run 12km in 1 hour or less
To wear a halter-neck or backless top with confidence
To fit my favourite size ten jeans comfortably
To be able to wear a shirt tucked into my jeans without overhang
To finish another 3 modules of my Interior Design course
DREAM - to attend Round 3 Finale

Six month goals - be maintaining goal weight of 60kg and non-yo-yo eating
- Bench press 50kg
- Finish Interior Design Course (deadline JANUARY 2013)

Twelve month goals - still maintaining goal weight of 60 kg and non-yo-yo eating
- To be able to afford to take my family on a little holiday

What else?  I wish I knew.  I'm going to let it 'stew' for a bit and see what happens.  I'll be back with more.

No answers for childhood obesity, just questions

A forum post I've read has really gotten me thinking about something.  Really got me feeling - very sad. 

The forum post talked about a kid who had been overweight since he was little, but whilst being away on some kind of camp for a month, away from his family, and whatever he usually ate - he has lost 10kg.  That is mind-blowing!  It speaks very loudly to what his diet was like at home.

Gosh, I'm not making any kind of personal judgements here - I know, every parent is just doing the best they can for their kids.  The best they know how to do.  That's all we can all do.  What I'm wondering is - how is it that as a society we've neglected to pass on what healthful eating looks like?  Why is it that it takes people like Jamie Oliver to open people's eyes to what they are putting on their plates.  How did we end up in this place, where for some people, the only things they eat in a day, come from a packet? 

Is it that we are so busy doing, that we've traded off preparing food from scratch for earning money, buying things?  I feel sad every day that I work.  I work in a school canteen/cafe.  I estimate that nearly a third of the kids that come to the canteen, are overweight, if not obese.  I don't know about you, but when I was in high school (about 20 years ago - cringe), there were only a handful of kids that were overweight.  What has happened in the past 20 years?  I feel so sad for the struggle ahead of them - the struggle to lose weight; the struggle to keep their health; the struggle to move; the struggle to fit-in that so often accompanies being overweight.  So many kids come to the canteen with their recess or lunch in their hands, with nothing fresh, or homemade or not out of a packet to be seen.  Why do we do this to our kids?  To their future?

Recently, in my husband's work, a mother was given $50 and sent into the supermarket to buy lunch and snacks for herself and her 5 children for the next day, when they were going to an aquatic centre.  She came out with 5 litres of Coke, and packets of chips. 

Is it that we are ignorant?  When we buy our kids a bright blue coloured iceblock, do we actually think it is food we are giving them?  When we eat a burger from a fast food chain - I'm sure we've all heard the story about the person that kept a cheeseburger on their fridge for five years, and it looked the same after five years as the day it was bought - do we really think we are nourishing our bodies?

Don't get me wrong - my kids eat junk food from time to time.  They're kids.  For some reason they're drawn to brightly coloured non-food substances!  I can't and don't want to be some kind of control freak who monitors every morsel that goes into their mouths.  But I do give them the information about what  exactly happens in their body if they drink a glass of soft drink or whatever.  But, for the most part, I do everything I can to make sure I'm feeding them food that will help them learn and grow and play.  I try not to feed them food that will just add more complications to a life, that will already have its share of complications.

Uncovering Myself

I couldn't believe how moving creating an inspiration board for the 12WBT was.  How powerful.  Browsing hundreds of images, letting my heart not my head speak to me, call me, draw me in.  Showing me more of who I am, no filters, no covering up, no misrepresenting myself for the approval of someone else.  I am unique.  That is actually a good thing - so wish my 14, 15, 16 and 17 year old self could have known that.  It is exciting to uncover new parts of myself, often parts that have been hidden and rejected.

Because this round, for me is all about focussing on what's going on in my head - it was interesting to notice my thoughts, even whilst trying to uncover myself and my dreams and desires.  Even in this supportive, encouraging forum, I caught myself thinking - Ooh, I don't want to put that, because then it just seems like I want 'things'.  And - I'd better put something like that on, because that makes me look like a nicer person.  What the?!

My goodness!  Who am I trying to impress?  This is for me, about me.  And still, I'm trying to be seen as OK to others.  So I've made my best effort to select images that motivate, inspire, and move me.  Things that I feel passionate about, things so beautiful, my heart skips a beat.

 It's wonderful to get a little peak into the lives of other 12wbter's.  To see what makes others tick - what makes your heart skip a beat.  Which in turn - inspires me.  Looking at the world through  the eyes of someone else trying to be their best self, different eyes to mine.  What a privilege.

I think I've had myself a little life-lesson today!  We are all so breathtakingly unique and individual.  And that is absolutely fantastic!  I love that the life experiences and minds of others combine to create and dream and visualise things that are different to mine - even the ones that don't make my heart skip a beat!  I love what I can learn from that, even if its just, farout - I really don't like orange furniture!

Here's to all of our gobsmackingly wonderful uniqueness!

PS - Here's my Inspiration Board

<a href="http://pinterest.com/carissafh/"><img src="http://passets-lt.pinterest.com/images/about/buttons/follow-me-on-pinterest-button.png" width="169" height="28" alt="Follow Me on Pinterest" /></a>

When it gets ugly

The Ugly....

There's nothing for it - but to be completely raw and honest.

Sometimes life just seems to stink for a bit.  A bit of background info would probably help set the scene here....
  Seven and a half years ago, my husband and I had just had our fifth baby.  My husband ran his own fencing contracting business, which after starting from scratch five years earlier was just starting to pay its way.  I didn't work outside the home, as we were homeschooling our other children.  My husband had just returned to work for the year after Christmas break, when an accident happened at work, leaving the man working with my husband with life-threatening injuries, and Jamie (husband) with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  He has always struggled with depression and anxiety, but this accident really tipped him over the edge.  He spent the next 6 months in bed while I tried to hold everything together.  After many hours of therapy he was doing better, but could still only cope with a few hours of work.  This went on for months and months, and he was always sick and fatigued.  After about two years, when his fatigue got to the stage that if he walked to our front gate - approximately 12 metres away, he had to spend the rest of the day in bed recovering.  He was then diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  We also added our sixth child to the family.  During this time, our only means of income were Family Payments from Centrelink and a Disability Pension.  It has been so, so tough financially - our roof leaks because it is so rusted, we have rotting floorboards outside our bathroom door, our screen door blew off our house and so on.  These sorts of things just have to go by the way side, when you are juggling if the children's school shoes can be glued together one more time, so that you can replace the pair of pants that got a hole in the knees or put petrol in the car so that you can go to a family birthday party on the weekend.  Financially, things have been  rotten.  Jamie still struggles with his anxiety, our relationship has struggled with the demands placed on it, I have been scraping the bottom of the barrel emotionally and physically for way too long, and our 16 year old son with Aspbergers, has for many months turned our family on its head.

So in a previous post I mentioned a job prospect for Jamie.  He didn't end up with that job, but as a result ended up with a 4 week contract with the strong possibility of it becoming permanent.  You can imagine the excitement in our house!  A regular income!  He has completed three weeks, but was told today, that the permanent position has gone to someone else.....aaargh!   Jamie had some part time work, that he had to quit, in order to take up this contract, so now we're back to barely any income again.   The 7 hours of part-time work I've found and Centrelink.  Now I know, in my head, that things will work out somehow, but I can't help the avalanche of feelings that are rushing in.  I'm so tired of that juggle.  I'm so tired of not being able to fix my house.  Of not knowing if we should get our lawnmower repaired, because the car is so old and tired, that it will probably need major repairs any day now.  I'm tired of only being able to afford old, tired, broken cars that always need fixing.  I'm tired of having to always tell the kids, 'No, sorry, we can't ever go see a movie together, we can't afford it.'  I'm tired of having $200 left in the bank for the next week, to try and feed my family nutriciously and still put fuel in the car.  I'm tired of hoping I will have earnt enough Everyday Rewards and Fly Buys points to be able to get gift cards, so that I can buy my kids a Christmas present.  I'm tired of how draining I find it trying to help Jamie maintain a somewhat positive view of life, when it's fairly easy to think it all looks bad.  I'm tired of how when he doesn't have something to occupy his mind - he starts feeling bad about everything, mostly, it seems, about how badly I'm meeting his needs.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing everything I can possibly do, to hold this family together, and make it work, and yet it's still such an uphill battle.  I just don't feel like fighting anymore.  I know there's really no such thing as normal, but I so wish for that fantasy - the white picket fence, the happy children, the motivated and successful husband who works, and a mutually rewarding and satisfying marriage partnership.  The icing on today's 'special' cake - my oldest and dearest friend, who lives interstate,  is currently in my state, for her Mum's funeral, and I can't go because my car is at the mechanics and I'm at work trying to pay for it!  So I can't be with her, when her own life is awful, awful, awful.

A little spark of light......

I haven't eaten this away.  No chocolate.  I've even been in the shops, and not bought any.  I am SO pleased with this.  Its taken white knuckled determination all the way.  But, I've done it. 

There is much to be grateful for, I know.  We are together, we are mostly healthy, we have warm beds, we aren't hungry.  I'm not looking for pity.  I'm frightened this sounds like one big dramatic Days of Our Lives style, sob story.   I just need a way to let some of these INTENSE emotions out so that I can think clearly again, and find the way forward.  And, besides, I don't have the energy to pretend I'm feeling super pumped right now - cos, I'm just not! 

I'm grateful to have let the feelings out.  I'm grateful for the space to do so.  I'm endeavouring to focus my energy on the little sparks of light.  Thank you.

Full Immersion

On the 27th August 2012, Round 3 of 12wbt begins.  Seeing as this is my fifth round ( I think?!), you might imagine that I have this all under control, that I will be breezing my way through the next twelve weeks.  I guess if that was the case, maybe I wouldn't be beginning another round.  I have A LOT of work to do.  There is excess baggage.  Not so much weight, but mental baggage.  It feels like the final frontier.  The last wall to tear down.  The final hurdle.  I think, I can confidently say I am an

exerciser.  Can I confidently say that I'm not an emotional eater?  Hell no! Do I feel like I have both hands on the steering wheel of my food choices?  No way!

 

It's here that I'm focussing my goal setting.  I'm not forgetting the scales, or the stopwatch - but what goes on in my head is priority number one.  This round is all about remaining conscious (and no, this is not connected to alcohol consumption at all!).  I know how to train with integrity - its time to really eat with integrity.  To be present when I'm eating, to be paying attention to what I'm eating (anyone else noticed when you're eating emotionally, you barely taste it?).  To be sitting down.  To be eating in full view - no sneaking things in when no one is looking - so, yes I'm giving up the excuse, that if no one saw me eat it, the calories don't count!

 

My strategy for succeeding - FULL IMMERSION!  I am surrounding myself with reminders of my goals.  Pictures, inspirational quotes, snack ideas,  and distraction techniques for moments of weakness are my new wallpaper.  My diary is full - red flag days noted.  Training times locked in.  Flourescent cards with reminders of my goals are in places I go to often - my bag, my purse.  My phone has an alarm set to remind me to re-read my goals every day.  I'm taking notes of Michelle's videos.  I've started a scrapbook full of pictures of fit, strong women who look amazing, who I aspire to be like.  I'm aiming to be consumed with inspiration and determination, rather than thoughts of food, and how I'm going to work those calories off that I shouldn't have consumed.  Finally, I'm going to pay attention - to my thoughts - not to buy into them, but just to notice them.  Notice the stories about myself that I've taken on board as truth.  Notice the negative self talk.  Notice my triggers that send me to the shops (like you - my kitchen has been cleaned out - no junk in sight!). 

 

I'm thinking this could be the most challenging round yet. 

 

Plan, plan, and then plan some more!

Today, was nearly a day of undoing.  Gulp!  Not enough planning went into today - the things that almost went in my mouth were very nearly, not the greatest choices.   I'm tempted to use that phrase we've probably all used before, 'I undid all of my hard work'.  Ridiculous though really.  One meal that doesn't fit with your goals, is seriously not going to undo all of one's hard work!  The mind games we play with ourselves!   The day went something like this.....it's school holidays, so I got up later than usual.  I was due to take two of my kids to my sister in laws by 10am to have their hair cut, but before I could do that I needed to clean our big Hiace van inside and out, because my brother is going to sell it for us (six kids is more than enough for us! Wish we'd listened when people warned us about what having teenagers was like!  Lol.)  That doesn't include getting my training done, eating breakfast, cleaning up the kitchen, hanging up a load of washing, blah, blah, blah.  You know how it goes.  Notice on the list of things to do - packing snacks and lunch for myself isn't on the list and you'll begin to see how things could start to unravel.  So when we finally arrive at my sister-in-laws at 10.40 (oops), I have eaten breakfast - a bowl of muesli in the car (I love a recipe of Rosemary Stanton's for healthy and scrummy toasted muesli, with a few personal modifications).  But no lunch is planned.  This is all fine, until about 1.30pm, when the tummy is really starting to make rather loud noises!  And -  there is this golden, buttery anzac slice on the counter - mmmmmm.   You'll be pleased to know I managed to talk myself through it - having a coffee, to keep my going until I got home.  But, only because I was relaxed - so I had the 'brain-space' to work it through in my head - goals/weigh-in day tomorrow or pieces of slice? 

What have I learned - plan, plan, plan!  Nothing startling here - its just oh-so true.  So, I'm going to have a back-up plan - always.  A protein bar in my bag, an apple, whatever - just something to get me out of a spot.  I've chucked a list of my goals in my bag too - so I can't avoid them.  I know - if I'd been out shopping with the kids, and things were stressful, and I could smell the smells of a food court or something - I may be telling a different story now.  If I'm strung out (or a myriad of other emotions) it is so much harder to remember where I'm heading. 

Interested in Rosemary's Muesli?  Here's a link:

http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/11023/rosemary+stantons+toasted+muesli