Whose life is this?

What a difference 20 or so kilos can make! Still a small bit to go, but so close now - I can taste it. I feel as though I am living in someone else's body - the size and shape of this new one is so foreign to me. And yet at the same time - the more my body changes, the more I feel like myself - like I was stuck in the wrong body for 15 years.

Walking though a conservation park today, with my children and parents - there is no discomfort. There is now strength - in my body, and growing strength in my mind, and growing strength in my confidence. I am so much more able to be exactly where I am. In nature - soaking up the energy and enthusiasm of my children; listening to my parents share their life and wisdom with my children; breathing in air so fresh it tastes "green". I can feel myself waking up - as if I've been snoozing for most of my adult life. It feels so, so, so good. There seem to be so many more possibilities in life. I realise the possibilities were always there, but I wasn't, my head wasn't, I couldn't believe for myself that changes are possible.

Don't you just love the writing of Eckhart Tolle. In the introduction to his book "Stillness Speaks" he says something that resonates right down to the core of my soul: "A true spiritual teacher (and my own little note - not just spiritual teachers) does not have anything to teach in the conventional sense of the word, does not have anything to give or add to you, such as new information, beliefs, or rules of conduct. The only function of such a teacher is to help you remove that which separates you from the truth of who you already are and what you already know in the depth of your being." What I take from this, especially in regards to weight loss, is that I already knew - deep down that I could be fit and healthy, but with the help of 12 Week Body Transformation (the spiritual teacher in this case) the things that separate me from the truth of that are slowly being removed.

Grateful for the fact that I live in Australia

Grateful for my parents

Grateful for all of the "spiritual teachers" in my life

New levels of pain....

I've come to expect a level of muscle soreness. Thought I was pretty tough about it these days. Hmm. Think again! After Monday's workout, I was beginning to walk as though I'm in my eighties, not my thirties. Thats Ok, it will pass - I tell myself. After Tuesday's workout, a few extra bits were starting to express themselves fairly loudly. So today - I've done my run - felt good. But just to make sure - no part of my body missed out on experiencing just how good it feels to really hurt - I went for my first training session with a neighbour, who is a retired gym instructor/body builder. Excellent - felt good to push those muscles - maybe I'll end up with a set of abs to be proud of after all....Only trouble is - I already needed to leave extra time to go to the loo, because my legs hurt so much it takes a few minutes to sit down, and now - I'll only be able to drink my meals through a straw - as I can't lift my arms up as far as my mouth! And I agreed to put myself through this torture again on Friday!

The day it all became too much...

I made such a flying start yesterday. Got up early, trained today. Went to Zumba. Did the grocery shopping.....and then some very sneaky old thought/behaviour patterns came for a visit.

It went something like this: 15 year old son with Aspberger's Sydrome, for the millionth time, doesn't sign in to his online english lesson (he does his school work via correspondence, to lesson the anxiety he experiences navigating social situations as a result of his Aspberger's). Mum (thats me) feels extremely frustrated and helpless about how to get a boy, now much bigger than me to stop playing computer games and do his lesson. Some time passes, its four o'clock, a time agreed upon with 15 year old to do some more schoolwork. What do you know - he's in the middle of something terribly important on his game, and doesn't want to stop (what a surprise!) So, Mum gives him some jobs to do, as consequences for not doing what he'd agreed to do - he RESISTS. Mum's stress level, moves up another few hundred notches. So after much resistance and little compliance from son, Mum is now getting behind in the things she needs to be doing, and several things need to now be done at once, but Mum still only has one pair of hands (and did I mention, suddenly, the other children are dying for some attention too). Up Mum's stress level goes, to the point where she is no longer capable of rational thought. So she doesn't seem to be able to think what else she might cook with the mince thats out for tea, instead of the planned spicy meatloaf, that takes one hour to cook. Mum, still feeling battered after the challenge of the 15 year old, dashes out to do some of the things that need to be done now - pick up one child from play date, get to post office before closing, and returns - in the rain, to kiss husband goodbye - he'll be gone for the night. Once we get inside a container of hot chocolate dropped by the six year old is added to the list of things that need dealing with now. Excellent. So dealing with all of the children, as well as the things husband usually does, as well as think of something for tea, as well as put the kids to bed, as well as clean up......,you know how it goes, is now totally up to Mum. At this point steam can be seen pouring from Mum's ears! So before she even realises whats happening she is on her way to the Pizza shop and the chocolate aisle of Woolworths.

Now, two slices of pizza, a bag of fru-chocs and two mint slice biscuits later, Mum is feeling spent, sick in the stomach, disappointed, and frustrated. Hoping that there will be some benefit of hindsight to be had.

I'm wondering if the eating is a response to feeling as though everything was out of control. I happen to know (well most of the time anyway), that some things are out of my control - eg. compliance or not of 15 year old, but I can control my eating and training - even if everything else is falling to pieces. This time - I was not able to take a step back and just stop and breathe for a moment to get my head screwed back on the right way. When I was dealing with my 15 year old, I had the words Bigger, Stronger,Wiser, Kind running through my head - these words are kind of my mantra when it comes to parenting. Couldn't pull it off today though. I think my own inner teenager, needed an adult (me) to be bigger and stronger and wiser and kind too. So, its done. I'm wanting to figure out what got me there, and make plans to help me not end up there again any time soon. Trying hard not to beat myself to an emotional pulp about it.

Grateful that most of the children are now sleeping peacefully.
Grateful that my parents are still around (Mother of friends children was killed recently in car accident. The resulting court hearing makes me so thankful I still have both my parents in good health.)
Grateful for my daughter's ringlets.

Training with an audience!

Usually, the children are sound asleep at 5.45am when I get up to train. Today, though, day 1 of Round 2, I've trained to the sound of children sneezing, coughing and blowing noses! My 11 year old son, and 13 year old daughter weren't the least bit interested in how much my muscles were burning, or how many calories I'd burnt - but on where the box of tissues was! Poor things. Tonight, my muscles are starting to show signs of a light training week last week (in other words really hurting) and my six year old son is barking like a dog - coming down with croup. Could be an interesting night around here.

Have to say it felt so good, to be eating well - let myself off the hook a bit last week, and if felt so, so good to have my hands firmly back on the steering wheel. A bummer though, saved my pennies and bought myself a set of Tanita scales, hopped on today, and they weigh me at an extra kilo than the old ones. That sucks! So, after the weekend in Melbourne, and being a little (ok quite a lot) relaxed last week, and the new scales, I've got around 9kg to lose to get to goal, instead of 6kg :( So, I'm hanging on tight to that steering wheel.

On a deliciously tasty note - I was introduced to Weis Triple Berry sorbet bars tonight (calories accounted for of course). YUM! And only 53 calories! Probably an occasional treat, considering that sugar is listed as the second ingredient, but yum, yum, yum.

Grateful for the sound of rain on my roof while I sleep tonight.
Grateful for the comforting warmth of our fire.
Grateful for Weis Bars.

Jumping in at the deep end!

2011 is shaping up to be a year of many firsts: my first time weighing in the 60's in 15 years; my first time to run 10km non-stop; my first time to do push-ups on my toes; my first time having 3 of my 6 children at school - instead of homeschooling; and now - my first ever blog (gulp!). Sharing a part of my life like this makes me feel a little like I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers in my underwear! I love having a little peek into the lives of others of you out there - and so, now in a moment of possible recklessness, I'm going to let you peek into mine! Oh My Goodness! The terror is setting in!

Tomorrow is another new beginning - Round 2 of Michell Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation begins - Yay! Most of the firsts listed above are a direct result of Round 1. What can I say - that program works!

Please bear with me a little - I am not, I repeat, NOT tech-savvy - I surprised myself when I realised I had actually started this blog. So here goes - my story - the roads I'm taking in the direction of creating the best life for myself, my husband and our six children; the best food - that doesn't blow the calorie budget; the best fitness I have ever achieved; the best relationships with those near and dear to me, and anything else that comes along!

Husband has just announced that the family is going for a bushwalk - can you hear the teenagers groaning?! Talk to you soon...