Mind Games

I'd mentioned in my last post about some work I'm doing on my head - or what goes on inside it to be precise.  I don't really know why it is that sometimes things just start getting to you, but this week - things are getting to me - in a BIG way.  Is this a case of the week 3 curse?!  Does everyone suddenly well up with tears while showering; while driving the kids to school; while chatting with friends; while making lunches at work?  That's been my week.  Here's what I've noticed going on inside my head.

My husband had a job interview this week - if he is succesful, it will be the first time in eight years that our family has had any income, let alone regular income.  You'd think I might be a little excited about the prospect, - but, I can't let myself get attached to that possibility - because, that sort of good stuff doesn't happen for us.  We just struggle from one hurdle in life to the next.  That's what I've found myself thinking.   It makes me cry, thinking of the huge difference that would make in our lives, and also sad, because I presume it will never be ours.  Why?  What am I telling myself that story for?  Why can't that happen to us.

Another example - after an exercise class I went to with my sister-in-law, I was chatting with our instructor, who commented that her husband thinks my sister-in-law is gorgeous (she is) and he had joked that my sister-in-law could come visit any time.  Nothing in that right?  Wrong!  Instantly, I'm thinking, yep, I'm not gorgeous.  No one's husband would be thinking that about me.  Which leads into - I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, likeable enough........you get the picture. 

These thought patterns in the past have led me straight to the nearest chocolate bar - thank goodness I've done the kitchen makeover pre-season task!  I guess most people have their own versions of my negative thinking.  I'm wanting to unravel mine.  I'm hoping that recognising it is a good first step.  Its just such a struggle at times - keeping the faith - trusting that there's a reason for the struggle, that there's a reason for my life.  Michelle said in the live feed - that I'm perfect, that we're all perfect, that we're in just the right place.  I'm holding onto that for dear life.