When it gets ugly

The Ugly....

There's nothing for it - but to be completely raw and honest.

Sometimes life just seems to stink for a bit.  A bit of background info would probably help set the scene here....
  Seven and a half years ago, my husband and I had just had our fifth baby.  My husband ran his own fencing contracting business, which after starting from scratch five years earlier was just starting to pay its way.  I didn't work outside the home, as we were homeschooling our other children.  My husband had just returned to work for the year after Christmas break, when an accident happened at work, leaving the man working with my husband with life-threatening injuries, and Jamie (husband) with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  He has always struggled with depression and anxiety, but this accident really tipped him over the edge.  He spent the next 6 months in bed while I tried to hold everything together.  After many hours of therapy he was doing better, but could still only cope with a few hours of work.  This went on for months and months, and he was always sick and fatigued.  After about two years, when his fatigue got to the stage that if he walked to our front gate - approximately 12 metres away, he had to spend the rest of the day in bed recovering.  He was then diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  We also added our sixth child to the family.  During this time, our only means of income were Family Payments from Centrelink and a Disability Pension.  It has been so, so tough financially - our roof leaks because it is so rusted, we have rotting floorboards outside our bathroom door, our screen door blew off our house and so on.  These sorts of things just have to go by the way side, when you are juggling if the children's school shoes can be glued together one more time, so that you can replace the pair of pants that got a hole in the knees or put petrol in the car so that you can go to a family birthday party on the weekend.  Financially, things have been  rotten.  Jamie still struggles with his anxiety, our relationship has struggled with the demands placed on it, I have been scraping the bottom of the barrel emotionally and physically for way too long, and our 16 year old son with Aspbergers, has for many months turned our family on its head.

So in a previous post I mentioned a job prospect for Jamie.  He didn't end up with that job, but as a result ended up with a 4 week contract with the strong possibility of it becoming permanent.  You can imagine the excitement in our house!  A regular income!  He has completed three weeks, but was told today, that the permanent position has gone to someone else.....aaargh!   Jamie had some part time work, that he had to quit, in order to take up this contract, so now we're back to barely any income again.   The 7 hours of part-time work I've found and Centrelink.  Now I know, in my head, that things will work out somehow, but I can't help the avalanche of feelings that are rushing in.  I'm so tired of that juggle.  I'm so tired of not being able to fix my house.  Of not knowing if we should get our lawnmower repaired, because the car is so old and tired, that it will probably need major repairs any day now.  I'm tired of only being able to afford old, tired, broken cars that always need fixing.  I'm tired of having to always tell the kids, 'No, sorry, we can't ever go see a movie together, we can't afford it.'  I'm tired of having $200 left in the bank for the next week, to try and feed my family nutriciously and still put fuel in the car.  I'm tired of hoping I will have earnt enough Everyday Rewards and Fly Buys points to be able to get gift cards, so that I can buy my kids a Christmas present.  I'm tired of how draining I find it trying to help Jamie maintain a somewhat positive view of life, when it's fairly easy to think it all looks bad.  I'm tired of how when he doesn't have something to occupy his mind - he starts feeling bad about everything, mostly, it seems, about how badly I'm meeting his needs.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing everything I can possibly do, to hold this family together, and make it work, and yet it's still such an uphill battle.  I just don't feel like fighting anymore.  I know there's really no such thing as normal, but I so wish for that fantasy - the white picket fence, the happy children, the motivated and successful husband who works, and a mutually rewarding and satisfying marriage partnership.  The icing on today's 'special' cake - my oldest and dearest friend, who lives interstate,  is currently in my state, for her Mum's funeral, and I can't go because my car is at the mechanics and I'm at work trying to pay for it!  So I can't be with her, when her own life is awful, awful, awful.

A little spark of light......

I haven't eaten this away.  No chocolate.  I've even been in the shops, and not bought any.  I am SO pleased with this.  Its taken white knuckled determination all the way.  But, I've done it. 

There is much to be grateful for, I know.  We are together, we are mostly healthy, we have warm beds, we aren't hungry.  I'm not looking for pity.  I'm frightened this sounds like one big dramatic Days of Our Lives style, sob story.   I just need a way to let some of these INTENSE emotions out so that I can think clearly again, and find the way forward.  And, besides, I don't have the energy to pretend I'm feeling super pumped right now - cos, I'm just not! 

I'm grateful to have let the feelings out.  I'm grateful for the space to do so.  I'm endeavouring to focus my energy on the little sparks of light.  Thank you.

Full Immersion

On the 27th August 2012, Round 3 of 12wbt begins.  Seeing as this is my fifth round ( I think?!), you might imagine that I have this all under control, that I will be breezing my way through the next twelve weeks.  I guess if that was the case, maybe I wouldn't be beginning another round.  I have A LOT of work to do.  There is excess baggage.  Not so much weight, but mental baggage.  It feels like the final frontier.  The last wall to tear down.  The final hurdle.  I think, I can confidently say I am an

exerciser.  Can I confidently say that I'm not an emotional eater?  Hell no! Do I feel like I have both hands on the steering wheel of my food choices?  No way!

 

It's here that I'm focussing my goal setting.  I'm not forgetting the scales, or the stopwatch - but what goes on in my head is priority number one.  This round is all about remaining conscious (and no, this is not connected to alcohol consumption at all!).  I know how to train with integrity - its time to really eat with integrity.  To be present when I'm eating, to be paying attention to what I'm eating (anyone else noticed when you're eating emotionally, you barely taste it?).  To be sitting down.  To be eating in full view - no sneaking things in when no one is looking - so, yes I'm giving up the excuse, that if no one saw me eat it, the calories don't count!

 

My strategy for succeeding - FULL IMMERSION!  I am surrounding myself with reminders of my goals.  Pictures, inspirational quotes, snack ideas,  and distraction techniques for moments of weakness are my new wallpaper.  My diary is full - red flag days noted.  Training times locked in.  Flourescent cards with reminders of my goals are in places I go to often - my bag, my purse.  My phone has an alarm set to remind me to re-read my goals every day.  I'm taking notes of Michelle's videos.  I've started a scrapbook full of pictures of fit, strong women who look amazing, who I aspire to be like.  I'm aiming to be consumed with inspiration and determination, rather than thoughts of food, and how I'm going to work those calories off that I shouldn't have consumed.  Finally, I'm going to pay attention - to my thoughts - not to buy into them, but just to notice them.  Notice the stories about myself that I've taken on board as truth.  Notice the negative self talk.  Notice my triggers that send me to the shops (like you - my kitchen has been cleaned out - no junk in sight!). 

 

I'm thinking this could be the most challenging round yet. 

 

Plan, plan, and then plan some more!

Today, was nearly a day of undoing.  Gulp!  Not enough planning went into today - the things that almost went in my mouth were very nearly, not the greatest choices.   I'm tempted to use that phrase we've probably all used before, 'I undid all of my hard work'.  Ridiculous though really.  One meal that doesn't fit with your goals, is seriously not going to undo all of one's hard work!  The mind games we play with ourselves!   The day went something like this.....it's school holidays, so I got up later than usual.  I was due to take two of my kids to my sister in laws by 10am to have their hair cut, but before I could do that I needed to clean our big Hiace van inside and out, because my brother is going to sell it for us (six kids is more than enough for us! Wish we'd listened when people warned us about what having teenagers was like!  Lol.)  That doesn't include getting my training done, eating breakfast, cleaning up the kitchen, hanging up a load of washing, blah, blah, blah.  You know how it goes.  Notice on the list of things to do - packing snacks and lunch for myself isn't on the list and you'll begin to see how things could start to unravel.  So when we finally arrive at my sister-in-laws at 10.40 (oops), I have eaten breakfast - a bowl of muesli in the car (I love a recipe of Rosemary Stanton's for healthy and scrummy toasted muesli, with a few personal modifications).  But no lunch is planned.  This is all fine, until about 1.30pm, when the tummy is really starting to make rather loud noises!  And -  there is this golden, buttery anzac slice on the counter - mmmmmm.   You'll be pleased to know I managed to talk myself through it - having a coffee, to keep my going until I got home.  But, only because I was relaxed - so I had the 'brain-space' to work it through in my head - goals/weigh-in day tomorrow or pieces of slice? 

What have I learned - plan, plan, plan!  Nothing startling here - its just oh-so true.  So, I'm going to have a back-up plan - always.  A protein bar in my bag, an apple, whatever - just something to get me out of a spot.  I've chucked a list of my goals in my bag too - so I can't avoid them.  I know - if I'd been out shopping with the kids, and things were stressful, and I could smell the smells of a food court or something - I may be telling a different story now.  If I'm strung out (or a myriad of other emotions) it is so much harder to remember where I'm heading. 

Interested in Rosemary's Muesli?  Here's a link:

http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/11023/rosemary+stantons+toasted+muesli

Lorna Jane named a crop after me! Well sort of......

Here she is!

I don't know about anyone else, but I LOVE Lorna Jane activewear. Did I mention I L.O.V.E Lorna Jane! So imagine my delight when, drooling over her clothes - again, I see a crop - called 'Carissa'. This made my day - my christian name being.......Carissa!!!  On  a personal note - I have never worn a crop  - six babies have left their mark on my poor belly!  But, damn it, I am going to find a way to wear this one!  You have to don't you?  If it has your own name attached?  Well, that's the justification I'm using anyway!  Its fitting, because, my reward to myself is to buy some Lorna Jane items as rewards for reaching my goals along the way.  I purchased two tops this week, which I have tried on - but not worn, in anticipation of reaching my month 1 goal (which will be in week 5, because I signed up late).  They are beautiful.  One says 'Dance with me' - that will be for wearing to Zumba - Yay!! And the other one, doesn't say anything at all but is in my favourite shade of green - and will probably be for wearing to Zumba - more yay!  By the end of this round - I'm hoping for a whole new Lorna wardrobe.  Seems kind of fitting to end things with another picture borrowed from Lorna Jane. 





Mind Games

I'd mentioned in my last post about some work I'm doing on my head - or what goes on inside it to be precise.  I don't really know why it is that sometimes things just start getting to you, but this week - things are getting to me - in a BIG way.  Is this a case of the week 3 curse?!  Does everyone suddenly well up with tears while showering; while driving the kids to school; while chatting with friends; while making lunches at work?  That's been my week.  Here's what I've noticed going on inside my head.

My husband had a job interview this week - if he is succesful, it will be the first time in eight years that our family has had any income, let alone regular income.  You'd think I might be a little excited about the prospect, - but, I can't let myself get attached to that possibility - because, that sort of good stuff doesn't happen for us.  We just struggle from one hurdle in life to the next.  That's what I've found myself thinking.   It makes me cry, thinking of the huge difference that would make in our lives, and also sad, because I presume it will never be ours.  Why?  What am I telling myself that story for?  Why can't that happen to us.

Another example - after an exercise class I went to with my sister-in-law, I was chatting with our instructor, who commented that her husband thinks my sister-in-law is gorgeous (she is) and he had joked that my sister-in-law could come visit any time.  Nothing in that right?  Wrong!  Instantly, I'm thinking, yep, I'm not gorgeous.  No one's husband would be thinking that about me.  Which leads into - I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, likeable enough........you get the picture. 

These thought patterns in the past have led me straight to the nearest chocolate bar - thank goodness I've done the kitchen makeover pre-season task!  I guess most people have their own versions of my negative thinking.  I'm wanting to unravel mine.  I'm hoping that recognising it is a good first step.  Its just such a struggle at times - keeping the faith - trusting that there's a reason for the struggle, that there's a reason for my life.  Michelle said in the live feed - that I'm perfect, that we're all perfect, that we're in just the right place.  I'm holding onto that for dear life.

Back blogging with a bang!

I know, it's something that is said all the time - but - my how time flies!  Life gets crazy and suddenly 1 month has passed, and then two and then 12!!!  I'm excited to be writing here again, thanks Michelle Bridges - you made me do it! 

I finished my third and final round of 2011 doing Lean and Strong last year.  Feeling pretty good about being 27kg lighter, a whole lot musclier (got distracted while I was driving because I was too busy admiring my own guns!  Oops).  And then it was Christmas.  And then it was Easter.  And then three of my children had birthdays.  And then I'd gained back 8kg!  2012 was my year to see how I'd go on my own, not being part of 12WBT.  But I'm back, the accountability and support here, helps keep me focused on the direction I want to be heading in.  I read somewhere recently (doesn't it drive you nuts when you can't remember where you saw something?!) that our committment it what keeps us going in the direction we want - when we don't have the motivation.  Or something like that.  Sounds like a plan to me.  This round, I'm doing things I've never done.  I'm keeping a journal; I take notes during Michelle's videos like I'm at school; a sorry admission - but for the first time, I'm diarising red flag days (yes Michelle would probably like to smack me around the head for that one!).  I'm really looking at the talk going on in my head - paying attention to the negative stuff in particular (more on that later - turns out I've got quite a bit of work still to do in that department!).  I'm not beating myself up about the 8kg weight gain - I'm learning where my weak spots still are and making plans for how to combat them.

So here I am - back enjoying the comradery, the DOMS, the breakdowns and hopefully the breakthroughs that are part of 12WBT.  I listed in my pre-season task - that I want to make  magic happen - here goes!

Breaking free from Zombie land

Nearly a month has passed. Crazy days filled with sick children (still got three sickies); trips to hospital (with aforementioned sick child); husband having melt-downs due to changing anti-depressants; 15 year old son with Aspberger's being his usual challenging self; and the usual day-to-day stuff - shopping, cooking, cleaning, training, being referee for arguments, playing taxi driver........Sometimes feels like the demands will never end.

A few months ago a therapist that I see (thoroughly recommend everyone gets their own therapist!) suggested that for the whole of the school holidays, that I didn't do anything that I didn't want to do. Being someone who has been at the very, very bottom of my own priority list for, well, as long as I can remember, this sounded ridiculous. I could kind of see the method in her "madness", but I have six kids and a husband and a falling down house, and no money and so on, and so on. She added, that of course there would be things that I would have to do - 6 children, make a lot of washing - need I say more, just so long as I was doing these things consciously - making an active choice to do them.

It was an eye-opening two weeks. I spend so much of my life doing things because I "should". Because they "need" doing. Because someone else "needs" something. A lot of the time, I really get around like somewhat of a Zombie. I don't "see" what I'm doing, I don't experience what I'm doing. My body is present, but that's about it. My mind is ususally many km's ahead, on the next thing that I should be doing. And you know what else? I conducted my relationships in the same way....I wasn't really there when my four year old was showing me her latest artwork, or when my 13 year old was telling me about the latest drama at school, or when my husband was telling me how he was feeling, or even there for myself - I wasn't paying enough attention to myself to notice I was exhausted, or frustrated, or happy or sad.

Living like this had become a coping mechanism - there had been so much going on that was so difficult to manage, that being "checked out" meant that I could keep coping with all that was on my plate. Only trouble is, it comes at a price - 30kg's overweight for one, missing out on "life" with my family for another, never feeling joy - or anything else for that matter. Realising these things has been a massive step. Making changes is an ongoing challenge. Putting myself on my own priority list, has in many ways turned my family's world upside down. "No" wasn't something any of them heard from me very often. I'm guessing that I will never have enough hours in the day to do all of the things I want to do, that I will never play as many games of memory with my kids as I might like, that I will never have enough chats over a cup of tea with my husband, or that I might never sew all the creations in my head that I would like to create. I reckon though, that really being there for the game of memory and the cup of tea, and making time to get the sewing machine out once in a while, feeling my own feelings - whatever they are, is a much healthier place to be than Zombie land.