Feelings and Worthlessness

So many thoughts bubbling away in my head this week - hoping I can share them in a way that makes some sense....

For a long time now, I've had questions about what us mortals are to do with our feelings if we are not to try and make them go away by eating or working too hard, or drinking too much, or whatever your particular brand of escape is. My particular coping mechanism has been eating, with diversions now and then into never stopping - always cleaning/cooking/making something. A first step for me was after reading some of Geneen Roth's books, I became aware that the eating has been serving a purpose - it has allowed me to cope with and survive things I didn't think I could. A big lesson! Now, moving on from that, I can recognise that although my eating has served it's purpose, I see that I can survive things I thought I couldn't, and that there are other ways to deal with the things I am feeling, that help to make me more whole as a person, rather than stuffing me full - and I'm not talking about food here - I'm talking about being so stuffed full of emotions that you feel as though you will burst, feel as though you can't take a breath. For me, what usually happened is that I had so much going on just beneath my calm exterior, that one little irritation with the kids, or one car that cut me off in traffic, or whatever and look out! Flood gates would open - either flood gates of tears, or lashing out at whoever was near me. That way of being isn't a whole lot of fun for anyone (just ask my kids!).

You see, I had to eat, because when life was dishing out lemons - I thought that's what I deserved.... Someone overweight like me, someone as unlovable as me, someone as bad as me, someone as insignificant and worthless as me - couldn't and shouldn't expect anything other than difficulty and dissatisfaction in life (oh, the deep sadness I feel just writing this). I am learning that all those things I was thinking about myself, are not the truth about me (or anyone for that matter). I'm not bad if I'm overweight, I am loveable and deserving of love, and other good things, I have value and worth, and something to offer - and sometimes life just gives us s**t to deal with. But the s**t is just s**t, and not a reflection on ourselves, or our value as humans - so wish I could have learnt that 30kg ago!

And now, back to what to do with the feelings......I'd come to realise, that you have to feel them, but then what? Today, I read, what I think is a fantastic way of looking at and processing the feelings, and also why it's so important - turns out that when you're busy burying the negative feelings, you somehow seem to miss out on the positive ones too. The following comes from a book that I am loving called "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo. "Very often, when hurt or depressed or anxious, we encounter powerful feelings like ghosts without a body, trying to pour themselves into us, trying to dominate our lives. They seem to gather in the cave of our pain, stoking our wounds like stones in a fire that keeps them warm.

After years of struggling to let my painful feelings out, I'm learning that the other side of this, which is just as essential to my well-being is not to let the hurt or depression or anxiety set up camp inside me.

I must confess it has taken me all this way to fully understand that the purpose of surfacing these powerful feelings is to continually empty my heart and mind of its sediment, so that new life can make its way into me.

There are dangers to not letting such feelings out. But once felt, there are dangers as well to not letting such feelings move on through. For just as our lungs must stay clear for the next mouthfull of air, our heart must stay unobstructed for the next feeling we encounter.

There is no freedom until we dance the ghosts from the chambers of our wounds, until we pile our wounds like stones at the mouth of our own quarries."

I LOVE the way he writes. The beautiful way he expresses himself. He goes on to describe a kind of meditation to do in order to facilitate the feeling of the feelings and also the moving on.

To myself, and to everyone - today (and everyday) there is no room for worthlessness.

Grateful for:
-Freshly washed sheets on my bed.
-The gorgeous things that come out of four year old mouths.
-Writers (like Mark Nepo) that have a way with words.