I made such a flying start yesterday. Got up early, trained today. Went to Zumba. Did the grocery shopping.....and then some very sneaky old thought/behaviour patterns came for a visit.
It went something like this: 15 year old son with Aspberger's Sydrome, for the millionth time, doesn't sign in to his online english lesson (he does his school work via correspondence, to lesson the anxiety he experiences navigating social situations as a result of his Aspberger's). Mum (thats me) feels extremely frustrated and helpless about how to get a boy, now much bigger than me to stop playing computer games and do his lesson. Some time passes, its four o'clock, a time agreed upon with 15 year old to do some more schoolwork. What do you know - he's in the middle of something terribly important on his game, and doesn't want to stop (what a surprise!) So, Mum gives him some jobs to do, as consequences for not doing what he'd agreed to do - he RESISTS. Mum's stress level, moves up another few hundred notches. So after much resistance and little compliance from son, Mum is now getting behind in the things she needs to be doing, and several things need to now be done at once, but Mum still only has one pair of hands (and did I mention, suddenly, the other children are dying for some attention too). Up Mum's stress level goes, to the point where she is no longer capable of rational thought. So she doesn't seem to be able to think what else she might cook with the mince thats out for tea, instead of the planned spicy meatloaf, that takes one hour to cook. Mum, still feeling battered after the challenge of the 15 year old, dashes out to do some of the things that need to be done now - pick up one child from play date, get to post office before closing, and returns - in the rain, to kiss husband goodbye - he'll be gone for the night. Once we get inside a container of hot chocolate dropped by the six year old is added to the list of things that need dealing with now. Excellent. So dealing with all of the children, as well as the things husband usually does, as well as think of something for tea, as well as put the kids to bed, as well as clean up......,you know how it goes, is now totally up to Mum. At this point steam can be seen pouring from Mum's ears! So before she even realises whats happening she is on her way to the Pizza shop and the chocolate aisle of Woolworths.
Now, two slices of pizza, a bag of fru-chocs and two mint slice biscuits later, Mum is feeling spent, sick in the stomach, disappointed, and frustrated. Hoping that there will be some benefit of hindsight to be had.
I'm wondering if the eating is a response to feeling as though everything was out of control. I happen to know (well most of the time anyway), that some things are out of my control - eg. compliance or not of 15 year old, but I can control my eating and training - even if everything else is falling to pieces. This time - I was not able to take a step back and just stop and breathe for a moment to get my head screwed back on the right way. When I was dealing with my 15 year old, I had the words Bigger, Stronger,Wiser, Kind running through my head - these words are kind of my mantra when it comes to parenting. Couldn't pull it off today though. I think my own inner teenager, needed an adult (me) to be bigger and stronger and wiser and kind too. So, its done. I'm wanting to figure out what got me there, and make plans to help me not end up there again any time soon. Trying hard not to beat myself to an emotional pulp about it.
Grateful that most of the children are now sleeping peacefully.
Grateful that my parents are still around (Mother of friends children was killed recently in car accident. The resulting court hearing makes me so thankful I still have both my parents in good health.)
Grateful for my daughter's ringlets.
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